LOss

What makes you lose hope?
--
I have been kind of lost in everything and I became weaker day-by-day. I know I should be stronger. I can't.
That strikes me again & again. I cried.
When I am lost that time, that went and find S but, in the end, I messed up everything, I am angry at S because S said will text me the next day, but that does not happen. After a week, I tempted to show my disappointments to X but that does not help at all. S cannot sense it or I am not important at all. Eventually, no more text.

S, I can see your improvement and growth that does not happen to me at all. I wish that you & your family will have good health and continue to spread their genuine love. Take care!

To me, many things unresolved and I cannot do anything to disentangle. I love puzzles, but I cannot and do not know how to solve them.

Then I realized that I should not expect the amount of return that will be the same as much as I gave. Everyone has his or her right to return you a favor or not, even if that person does not appreciate it at all. After you gave it, do not think of anything else but hope what you gave would bring betterment either to yourself or the person.

I apologize that I might burst out of my emotions (anger, sadness..) out of my control. I am trying to dispose of all the negativities in me. I am not PERFECT nor I consider as GOOD.
--
Many things I need to do, but not alone. I am still waiting for the one that would really take up this adventure with me until my last breath. I might do it alone, but it would not be so meaningful (in my opinion).

fannen

More dislikes

I am more and more weak in all terms. I have sickness coming on and off that I almost forget what it is like to be healthy. I am weaker, fatigue, coughing here and there, eyes irritations and sometimes even swollen, memories faded and etc.

I started to dislikes myself more and more. I can't stand looking at myself and the things that I'd done. It is a terrible me that I don't think anybody would like me. Not at all. I feel disguise and I can't forgive myself.

To those who know me, I am sorry that I am not a good one.

I did not do my best for everything. Such a terrible person.

Last day of February 2018, shameful me.

fannen

It's 2018 -end of JAN

I can't believe it. Recently, I really been super tired and I am not doing good at work. That's so stressful when you don't know anything and thing just doesn't work as it seems to be. Other than sorry and guilty, I am not sure what should I say.

--

I told myself this year I need to change! I can't just keep thinking about the past and reminiscing it, be it happy moments or sad moments (frankly, mostly sad). To be honest, I failed to do so even at the very beginning of 2018. Well, nothing will be too late when you still have the chance to breath right?

I really hope that I would have big improvement be it spiritually, physically or mentally. I have been sick since the beginning of January and now I still have a little. My body just getting weaker and weaker day-by-day. Sore throats, fever, cough, sore eyes, drowsiness ... and the list goes on and on. I don't know what to do and how to tell my boss.. he would be probably super disappointed at my performance. I am really sorry. I really hate myself at this very moment. Feeling so helpless and strengthless...
--

It is also a year where people at church asking/thinking that it's time to find HUSBAND!!!
I am not ready yet as my life is in a real mess right now!

--

Back to 2017, end of the year my brother finally got married! Really happy for him. It was quite a tiring two weekends but thank God everything went on really smoothly.
2017, was like a roller-coaster for me. Too much happenings & too fast the time has passed.

--

Note to self:
fannen,

No matter what happens now, its not forever,
Cherish and enjoy the good & bad moments while they last.
Failures are there to tell you, nothing is perfect. It's okay to fail.
Successes are there to tell you, without God, nothing is possible!

Never give up on faith, as before.
Never look back on past, as before.

A day alive, is a chance.


fannen

Sad but Happy

It is November 2017 already!!!

My sadness and loneliness still with me, but I am glad today I can have the chance to meet up with everyone in my company. I have been floating in the sea for a few weeks almost drown. Even though I have a more flexible working hour and I don't need to go through jam every working day, but I cherish the time when we can get together. I am kinda dependent kind of person and not pro-active, so if we did not meet up it is hard and the knowledge I have is limited. Although I still in blur state but I guess little guidance is much appreciated. I cannot believe that after one year of working, I might really need to be at customer site for more than 24 hours soon #worklife

I have a small plan in head and if the Lord wills, I hope it will be succeeded. I wanted to share with one of my friends but I guess that friend is too busy so I keep it for myself first. Something that I always wanted to do for long-term but never really have the guts to do it #fingercrossed

I think life with a mask is really tiring like you woke up and tears dropping from eyes, you just got to wipe it off and put one makeup and a smile on the face to greet the world.

If you are reading this boring blog, I hope that you would lead/have a genuine life. Not wearing "mask" to face the world!

God bless!
fannen

No friend

Today I am very sad because I realized I don't have a friend. Literally a friend. No one to talk to and to share what's happening in my life. I know Jesus is my friend but what I mean is a physical friend. I am not sure am I too dependent or too clingy. I just feel really lonely. No one asked me out for dinner or anything. Like when friends have a plan I'm out of their priority list of friends to be invited. I'm just living on my own, my own world. What is wrong with me? I seem to be transparent to them. Anything that I did or say vanished in the air 🌫

Anyway, if you still have friends around you then I'm happy for you. Cherish them and enjoy the time when you are with them, as not all are blessed with real long-lasting friends.

It's almost the end of October, 2 more months to go before a "refresh" in the calendar and for me.
This is a year where I drastically went up and down in life. Very steep.

I hope yours is a good and memorable one.

fannen

Defeated by an aedes..

One month ago, I started to get sick, fever, and losing appetite. I thought it was a normal sickness until I vomited blood. Then I begin to think I must have some severe illness in me until I went for a blood test, the doctor told me it was "Dengue-Positive". At that moment I was stunned as I can't digest the word at the moment. Then I was admitted to the hospital. Aside from that, there are few church believers and families who visited me. I really feel their act of love towards me and I am so touched.
Later did I know that it is not easy to recover back to normal. The recovery process is very slow (for me). Right now, I regain my appetite but I am supposed to still have my "eat-clean" diet even though sometimes I cheat. These few weeks my body clock is messing up with me and I do not get enough sleep at well.

I have been slacking in work as I really can't get my focus back. Gosh, the boss is going to fire me soon, real soon.

The sickness really makes me think of many aspects of life. By just one small mosquito, I am like half-dead. How great a man can be?
--
Well, tomorrow parents are visiting me since they are on holiday. We are going to the sushi restaurant! Yay! I don't know when I started to have cravings for sushi. I thought of it all the time, 24/7.

Last month, I went to hometown for like so many times and I really missed it. Mom really takes so good care of me and I really miss her. Finally, we have a family dinner where all members are present, including my brother's in-laws. We pre-celebrated father's birthday (suppose to be on the 15th Oct) and he told us he was touched. He never ever expresses his feelings before. I bet he must be super happy as all these years my brother and I did not manage to celebrate for him, but only short wishes.

--
I have a question for myself, should I move back to my hometown for betterment?

It is really tough. Should I take the challenge and go back to where I belong?

God knows what is best for me.

For those who are reading, I hope you found the direction and purpose in your life. Enjoy every little moment in life and be kind.

fannen

Sleep is leaving me again

I have no idea how come these few months I cannot sleep in the night and I feel bad because I was awake. So do tonight!
--
I always wanted to have a travel partner to discover the beautiful places together but I guess I won't find it. If you ask me to travel alone, I won't because I'm timid. But if it's someone I love, I would be very brave. Look st myself now, not even a guy want to take a look at me and how would I get a soulmate to travel with me? Haha 😂

Perhaps, I really have to go by myself. But, I not dare.

I wonder, how many percentages of the married couples never regret whom they married and their love grows deeper day-by-day. And how it feels like when you wake up, your love is beside you, when you come back from work and your wife is waiting for you. Maybe I'm not blessed with this kind of blessings.
--
I start to give stress to myself and that makes me not able to sleep at night (I guess).

No matter how I wish you who are reading now (close your eyes for 10 seconds and think of one thing to be thankful for today! ❤️

fannen