LOss

What makes you lose hope?
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I have been kind of lost in everything and I became weaker day-by-day. I know I should be stronger. I can't.
That strikes me again & again. I cried.
When I am lost that time, that went and find S but, in the end, I messed up everything, I am angry at S because S said will text me the next day, but that does not happen. After a week, I tempted to show my disappointments to X but that does not help at all. S cannot sense it or I am not important at all. Eventually, no more text.

S, I can see your improvement and growth that does not happen to me at all. I wish that you & your family will have good health and continue to spread their genuine love. Take care!

To me, many things unresolved and I cannot do anything to disentangle. I love puzzles, but I cannot and do not know how to solve them.

Then I realized that I should not expect the amount of return that will be the same as much as I gave. Everyone has his or her right to return you a favor or not, even if that person does not appreciate it at all. After you gave it, do not think of anything else but hope what you gave would bring betterment either to yourself or the person.

I apologize that I might burst out of my emotions (anger, sadness..) out of my control. I am trying to dispose of all the negativities in me. I am not PERFECT nor I consider as GOOD.
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Many things I need to do, but not alone. I am still waiting for the one that would really take up this adventure with me until my last breath. I might do it alone, but it would not be so meaningful (in my opinion).

fannen

More dislikes

I am more and more weak in all terms. I have sickness coming on and off that I almost forget what it is like to be healthy. I am weaker, fatigue, coughing here and there, eyes irritations and sometimes even swollen, memories faded and etc.

I started to dislikes myself more and more. I can't stand looking at myself and the things that I'd done. It is a terrible me that I don't think anybody would like me. Not at all. I feel disguise and I can't forgive myself.

To those who know me, I am sorry that I am not a good one.

I did not do my best for everything. Such a terrible person.

Last day of February 2018, shameful me.

fannen

It's 2018 -end of JAN

I can't believe it. Recently, I really been super tired and I am not doing good at work. That's so stressful when you don't know anything and thing just doesn't work as it seems to be. Other than sorry and guilty, I am not sure what should I say.

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I told myself this year I need to change! I can't just keep thinking about the past and reminiscing it, be it happy moments or sad moments (frankly, mostly sad). To be honest, I failed to do so even at the very beginning of 2018. Well, nothing will be too late when you still have the chance to breath right?

I really hope that I would have big improvement be it spiritually, physically or mentally. I have been sick since the beginning of January and now I still have a little. My body just getting weaker and weaker day-by-day. Sore throats, fever, cough, sore eyes, drowsiness ... and the list goes on and on. I don't know what to do and how to tell my boss.. he would be probably super disappointed at my performance. I am really sorry. I really hate myself at this very moment. Feeling so helpless and strengthless...
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It is also a year where people at church asking/thinking that it's time to find HUSBAND!!!
I am not ready yet as my life is in a real mess right now!

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Back to 2017, end of the year my brother finally got married! Really happy for him. It was quite a tiring two weekends but thank God everything went on really smoothly.
2017, was like a roller-coaster for me. Too much happenings & too fast the time has passed.

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Note to self:
fannen,

No matter what happens now, its not forever,
Cherish and enjoy the good & bad moments while they last.
Failures are there to tell you, nothing is perfect. It's okay to fail.
Successes are there to tell you, without God, nothing is possible!

Never give up on faith, as before.
Never look back on past, as before.

A day alive, is a chance.


fannen