Now I know

Both naked. No sex.

The girl once again being dumped. Seriously, dumped.
--
*correct me if I am wrong.
I understand why people nowadays their relationship is just come and go. People nowadays, they need fast. So, whenever there's the feeling they will just go with it without consider much as breakup seems to be normal to most of the people. They can just go. I think it is the shape of the current society. You would now feel ashamed whenever you tell people how many ex you have but rather you would feel embarrassed when you have no ex at all.

Most people just do whatever they want and leave no regret.
--
I told myself not to look back but still, I looked back. However, I saw nothing. I have to be strong to accept everything.

No reply.

I don't understand why can't we just continue. How come every ending is the same one? Again and again.

Arrghh!

Are you serious or joking?

Jokes would let you feel humorous and laugh or smile.
Serious would allow people to feel formal and humorless.

I don't get when a person is joking to is serious all the time. I am like, serious all the time and that's why at certain stage of my life people address me 'serious'. Whenever a person told me something I would take it seriously and put it in my heart. I will remember it and wait for it to happen. Anyway, I'm so serious until the extend whenever people don't keeps his or her words I would get disappointed in spite people just talk crap. Disappointments always around me and that's not good for my health. I have to get the joke and just laugh like crazy. I do change but that's outwardly. Just for the purpose of cooperating with friends and families.

People always do not dare or want to close with me because I don't smile and whenever I don't smile, I look angry and fierce and serious. After they know me, they would realize I crazy and funny I would go.
--
She is afraid of rejection. It seems like it is almost the end of the story. Text everyday seems to be boring right? She knew that. It is like a curse. Finding the right one is hard, but even when you met, the time would we totally wrong.

Girl, be strong. You would fine one right one at the right time.

A pair of rough hand

For 20 over years, no one ever hold the rough hands of the girl other than her mother. It would sweats and is seriously rough.

She wishes someday, some one would come and hold it and never let go. It is good there is a guy who hold her hand throughout the way to a certain place. Never has she hold someone's hand for that long especially guy. Later on, the guy kissed on his lips. That's the first time she taste a kiss on the lips. He hold her tight enough to let her feel the sense of protection and blissfulness that she has lost years ago. The night they spend time together without sex.

Let's keep this as a secret.

Same pattern of shirt

Ohmygosh, they were wearing the almost similar t-shirt. It looks like a pair of couple.

She didn't expect that's how the hand was held throughout the movie and it still contained mixture of feelings.

The phobia is still with her. It always there keeps reminding her the incident whenever something similar had triggered her.

Anyway, he is just a good man to her.

Will she once again trusted in love? Let time answer this question. Will she willing to make sacrifice again?
--
Seriously, fannen, where did you get so much of courage to do that?
--
The second paper was just killing and heart attack. I would get stroke any time.

Excitement boost

8 more days would be our 2nd monthsary. Lol. He claimed that the ticket was booked and I have no choice but to go.

I keep telling myself that it is not a date but a casual meet up.

Np doubt, the longest duration (in terms of days) that I have texted is him.
--
Tomorrow would be my final exam for this semester and I have no feeling of anxiety at all. Is it because I have too much of final last time that's why I already used to it or I have no hope anymore? Ha-Ha. Happy-go-lucky! Someone please save me.

All day long what I thought is mostly about sleep. zzZ. I feel sleepy 24/7. Final please end faster.

Missed it

Meaningless morning.
He promised he will talk to me once he was back and he did it. It's been days we did not talk face to face online and the feeling is good. I love it so much yet, I did not tell him. He let me feel the blissfulness that not once people give me. I know it might be short-term however, it's good. I hope there is no love as I don't wanna leave someone I love again. In short, I did not want to take it (bliss) because I don't want to take it for granted or to waste it.

Everything would be different if we meet yesterday.
--
I can't wait to go back and hug my mother and have a good dinner with parent. The best is to meet with brother. We seldom get to chat.
--
Movie that make most people cry.
I do not know people cry because of the sad story or being touched by it.

For me, personally I think that they are both considered very blissful. In term of wealth, they have no financial difficulties. In term of love, they found it. Other than health, they have the basic that most people are still struggling for. Some people don't even have money to go for treatment but they are still able to travel. Without their illnesses, both of them wouldn't meet and they would not cherish the short and meaningful life they have. Life is not promise with no ups and downs. When you are at up, remember to enjoy and treasure because people not always remain at above all the time. When down, remember all the worth-things that you would get when you are at up there, so that you could strive and look up. Do not pity but to see from other perspectives. Outwardly, they might appear awful but inwardly, they have a more beautiful life that you and I might still finding and is beyond our imagination.

Postponed or Cancelled?

I came back with the mix feeling of excited, fear and nervous. No matter how, I have decided then I will take all my courage for that meet up. However, he finds me urgently and I sense something wrong. He never did that before. After settled everything down, I contact him and he told me that he need to help his friend for assignment today. Both he wants to go but come on, you can only appear at a place at one time. When I got the news, my feelings are more complicated. To be happy or to be disappointed? Actually, I am not sad but he keeps saying sorry and he feels bad. Okay, I don't want to be selfish and I asked him to go help his good friend. Girl can be find anywhere but not a good friend. Who am I to disturb other people's life circle? Then he insisted to meet on another Sunday, which I think I am not going to go anymore. He said he would book the ticket regardless how I told him not to do so. I feel helpless and struggle and tears flow. 2 months is neither long nor short. I believe one day we will ignore one another like we never know each other before. So why is he so serious about the meet up. You know the ending would end in that way, but would you still trying all effort to change it?
--
The whole morning is like without purpose. I decided not to go anywhere just for the plan but it was cancelled. Maybe I should start study. Arghh!
--
If today is your last day, what would you do?
We answered many things that we know we should do right now but we didn't because we thought we still have plenty of time for that. There is no 'if'. You know what should you do and you have to do it before it's too late. It would be too late if you were to do on the last day. You wouldn't know when is you last day. Perhaps, the second after this or a few more hours you would have to say bye t this world. Just do the right things as long as it doesn't bring harm.

WIthin preparation

3 more days to go. Face is crumple.
--
Started to read a few pages of notes. I really have short-attention spend. This should be the first time I listening to music while studying and music that S composed for me. Statistics' quiz is simply short and scary.
--
Yesterday it a great day for badminton. Complicated feeling had expressed but not all.
--
When you stop pursuing or seeking, it arrive.
Discussed the topic of marriage randomly during our break time. Found a friend who is in common thought with me. Both of us doesn't want to take the responsibility of marriage. It is not as easy as ABC. We still, encouraging people to get married. I hope she would find her soul-mate in the future. Happy because I am letting go little by little and living in the present at this stage of life.
--
Experience is indeed priceless and precious.
What would you change if you could go back and correct your past? So far, the best answer is "I would not correct my past because the past was how it shape me today." My past was broken but it taught me a lot that I think it is so unique and valuable. Last time, I wanted to change. One of it is I would not know him, but without knowing him, I would not able to see through so much of things. He is an eye-opener to me. Accept who you are first and slowly accept everyone. You will feel better although outwardly this world is slowly progressing to destruction.

Mistakes are meant for good as long as you don't repeat the same one.

There's something in his eyes

Four more days to go. Excited for the meet up. Nothing is imaginable for that day. I hope I will be coming back safely.
--
E requested to go for drinks (not wine or beer), non-alcohol. He choosed the nearest place from where I stay. Of course not only both of us but two other brethren. He sent me pictures of sunset where last time I asked him to take but he refused because his house has sunset view from the balcony.

Last night, he looked at me differently as if he got something to tell me but dare not. I tried to avoid eye-contact because I doesn't feel good. I am afraid of that kind of eyes. fannen no longer can afford to hear big words.

It's not the time to accept or receive love for me.
--
Approximately every Wednesday I would feel down, depressed and tired.

In the past

History is not my friend and I dislike it. However, I knew that there’s a part, which was about arranged-marriage by parents. A couple who separated because the husband doesn’t want to involve in the military and he ran to another country. The wife and son remained in the homeland. The wife later on adopted another girl as daughter. She taught the girl so that in the future she can become a good housewife. When it is the time for the son to get married, this mother asked the son to married her daughter, which is her non-biological sister. Someone whom he plays and grows with will soon become his wife.

Would you able to marry your own siblings? You never been told that the sister being adopted is to be your future wife. Could you accept it? I know it is no wrong because biologically there are not related. In the past, people would be so obedient and not even dare to go against the will of those who is in authority. Only ‘yes’ is allowed.

On the other hand, what’s the feeling of the daughter? First, she might thought finally she has someone who adopt her and at least she has a family. But, who knows actually this adoption has another purpose behind it? Second, in her thoughts it might be a way of repaying the grace of the “mother”.

I am quite thankful that I am living in this era as I will not being forced to married someone that I have no feeling or love for.

It goes on

One more day that my brain force me to wake up while my body still needs sleep. That’s the reason I need sleep early so that I have sufficient sleep.
--
The alarm rang and rang again and she didn’t even heard it. Okay, I need to wake her up just to off that irritating phone alarm. It’s a song that is so noisy. Few minutes later, the real alarm clock rang again.
--
My nose was stuck again. It’s is all the time like that especially in morning or dusty time. My mother also have the same situation but more sensitive than me.
--
Most of them already get started of doing revision whereas I am here looking at phone and laptop.

Can’t wait for the exam to be over and go back and do lots of special stuffs. Semester break is like Summer time. We have many short breaks in between. All right, every college and university have different break time especially private college or university. Therefore you won’t be able to have same holidays with your friends unless coincidence happen.
When you don’t have your own standard system to follow, that’s the issue.
--
I love to enjoy the warmness of dawn. But then again, I will recall you. When does fannen wants to let go is a big mystery.

Accept who you are

Since last Tuesday I was busy with my exams and presentations and we had the least text. So, finally today in the evening I can talk with him but while waiting I fall asleep. I am so sorry because I always do that. This allows him to feels that I doesn't want to talk with him. In the end, we still manage to talk. 27 minutes, 6 minutes and 35 minutes. It could be longer but my friends asked me out for dinner.

I know what you mean. I know but thanks for that piece of information.
--
Hey, it would be different if you appear 3 years ago. Everything would be different. I might have do a little more effort and try to be with you. I might get wrong or misunderstand but I seriously will, definitely will. If I hurt you now, is for short-term. Finally I understand why Z told me to let go as soon as possible. Once a brother, forever a brother. okay?
--
Night, steamboat. What a full day! My stomach is always more expand on weekends. I need to do more exercise...

Don't start when not ready

Can I say I should feel sympathy for that girl? First, they appeared as couple. I never seen her before but slowly both of us have contact with each other and consider acquaintance. Now he said they are just very close friend. Hey, if you have no meaning of wanting to married with the girl then don't keep giving false hope. He realize there are some matter that are not common between them. Think before you make decision specially those important one and once wrong it will hurt others not only you yourself. Come on, leaving a scar in people's life is such a cruel act.
--
Today I had done two things and feel a little relieved. There are more to go. Tomorrow would be terrible, is later. Having class from 8 a.m. until 7 p.m.
--
I know your time is different from mine. It is either ahead of me or still at my yesterday. Beautiful creation of God that make it so special.

Back here again

Yesterday we had a night talk again. We had only stop for one day after we started to talk online. I know it's not good and I hope today neither he or I will text each other later. There must be a limit. I think he was bored with me. He got frustrated when we talked about something that I am not good at and I just disturb his mood. We are seriously had running out of topic to say. His patience towards me has an obviously decrease. I am really sorry, S.

Not once I wonder the world is like this. Seriously, what era of mind I had? It seems i need to explore more.

This coming Wednesday would be a stressful and busy day. Presentation and exam are waiting for me. Last minute work is always not secure. I have to remember lots of music in my brain and it is just part of it. Gosh, fannen needs an efficient and smarter brain.

It is always about man and college stuff. Bored.

Let's get through this and one day when I have sufficient money, I can do many meaningful things.

It's always you. Now and forever.