Sad but Happy

It is November 2017 already!!!

My sadness and loneliness still with me, but I am glad today I can have the chance to meet up with everyone in my company. I have been floating in the sea for a few weeks almost drown. Even though I have a more flexible working hour and I don't need to go through jam every working day, but I cherish the time when we can get together. I am kinda dependent kind of person and not pro-active, so if we did not meet up it is hard and the knowledge I have is limited. Although I still in blur state but I guess little guidance is much appreciated. I cannot believe that after one year of working, I might really need to be at customer site for more than 24 hours soon #worklife

I have a small plan in head and if the Lord wills, I hope it will be succeeded. I wanted to share with one of my friends but I guess that friend is too busy so I keep it for myself first. Something that I always wanted to do for long-term but never really have the guts to do it #fingercrossed

I think life with a mask is really tiring like you woke up and tears dropping from eyes, you just got to wipe it off and put one makeup and a smile on the face to greet the world.

If you are reading this boring blog, I hope that you would lead/have a genuine life. Not wearing "mask" to face the world!

God bless!
fannen

No friend

Today I am very sad because I realized I don't have a friend. Literally a friend. No one to talk to and to share what's happening in my life. I know Jesus is my friend but what I mean is a physical friend. I am not sure am I too dependent or too clingy. I just feel really lonely. No one asked me out for dinner or anything. Like when friends have a plan I'm out of their priority list of friends to be invited. I'm just living on my own, my own world. What is wrong with me? I seem to be transparent to them. Anything that I did or say vanished in the air 🌫

Anyway, if you still have friends around you then I'm happy for you. Cherish them and enjoy the time when you are with them, as not all are blessed with real long-lasting friends.

It's almost the end of October, 2 more months to go before a "refresh" in the calendar and for me.
This is a year where I drastically went up and down in life. Very steep.

I hope yours is a good and memorable one.

fannen

Defeated by an aedes..

One month ago, I started to get sick, fever, and losing appetite. I thought it was a normal sickness until I vomited blood. Then I begin to think I must have some severe illness in me until I went for a blood test, the doctor told me it was "Dengue-Positive". At that moment I was stunned as I can't digest the word at the moment. Then I was admitted to the hospital. Aside from that, there are few church believers and families who visited me. I really feel their act of love towards me and I am so touched.
Later did I know that it is not easy to recover back to normal. The recovery process is very slow (for me). Right now, I regain my appetite but I am supposed to still have my "eat-clean" diet even though sometimes I cheat. These few weeks my body clock is messing up with me and I do not get enough sleep at well.

I have been slacking in work as I really can't get my focus back. Gosh, the boss is going to fire me soon, real soon.

The sickness really makes me think of many aspects of life. By just one small mosquito, I am like half-dead. How great a man can be?
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Well, tomorrow parents are visiting me since they are on holiday. We are going to the sushi restaurant! Yay! I don't know when I started to have cravings for sushi. I thought of it all the time, 24/7.

Last month, I went to hometown for like so many times and I really missed it. Mom really takes so good care of me and I really miss her. Finally, we have a family dinner where all members are present, including my brother's in-laws. We pre-celebrated father's birthday (suppose to be on the 15th Oct) and he told us he was touched. He never ever expresses his feelings before. I bet he must be super happy as all these years my brother and I did not manage to celebrate for him, but only short wishes.

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I have a question for myself, should I move back to my hometown for betterment?

It is really tough. Should I take the challenge and go back to where I belong?

God knows what is best for me.

For those who are reading, I hope you found the direction and purpose in your life. Enjoy every little moment in life and be kind.

fannen

Sleep is leaving me again

I have no idea how come these few months I cannot sleep in the night and I feel bad because I was awake. So do tonight!
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I always wanted to have a travel partner to discover the beautiful places together but I guess I won't find it. If you ask me to travel alone, I won't because I'm timid. But if it's someone I love, I would be very brave. Look st myself now, not even a guy want to take a look at me and how would I get a soulmate to travel with me? Haha 😂

Perhaps, I really have to go by myself. But, I not dare.

I wonder, how many percentages of the married couples never regret whom they married and their love grows deeper day-by-day. And how it feels like when you wake up, your love is beside you, when you come back from work and your wife is waiting for you. Maybe I'm not blessed with this kind of blessings.
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I start to give stress to myself and that makes me not able to sleep at night (I guess).

No matter how I wish you who are reading now (close your eyes for 10 seconds and think of one thing to be thankful for today! ❤️

fannen

The 7th

I can't believe that even I had missed out on a few memorial services but I still able to maintain the record of attending each month. For others, it might be a coincidence but I know it's the harvest time where God calls back His workers (be it you believe it or not). Life is really short and unexpected, should face it boldly, and always cherish the moment as it might not be your last breath but someone else whom you love.

Tomorrow I'm going to renew my passport and I'm kinda afraid because I never did that alone before and I'm going to a place that I never been to. Hopefully, I can get it done smoothly #fingercrossed 🤞🏽

Finally, I have decided to go back to hometown. After working for one year I did not keep my promise for going back at a certain time. Mom did ask me you come back for what purpose? And I don't know how to answer her. Maybe usually I'll go back with a reason but this time just purely goes back to visit my parents. I should keep my promise. No more excuse.

Bought a box of ice cream again :b can't wait to consume it, hahaha!

Hope you who are reading this would have a nice day ahead or have a sweet night ((:

fannen

The 5th..

This morning I went to another funeral service. Well, it was the fifth one this year and I guess every time I get something precious back.
For this time I guess it is the spirit of being in one family. You can see how much they love each other with genuine hearts. Even though it might be hard that one has left this world but they'll meet in heaven. What's left is the memory that once they had. I believe the late mother is a very good worker of God and continues to steadfast on her faith until the end, despite sickness. Isn't it good that you have held on to the right thing in life and your beloved ones hold it together with you?

Other than my grandfather's, I think this is the second time I place the flower on the coffin.
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After that, my friend and I went to visit an old lady in an old-folks home. She was so happy that we bought some food for her (even though doesn't cost much). She ate so quickly and finished every single bit of it.
However, she shed a few tears after eating the food and I feel sympathy for her. I know I shouldn't feel pity for her.. but...

Imagine you have enjoyed all the sumptuous food, enjoyments, and traveled all around the world in the past but all you left is only money, and money doesn't mean anything to you anymore. If you do not manage your money well, no matter how much you have it is all in vain. What is life to her, now?

I judge people who don't care for their parents but reflecting on it, I am also not filial to my own parents. What have I done for them? Nothing much. Mother's Day is coming and what am I be doing? Busy, busy & busy..

*Cherish while it last*

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Tomorrow and day after I will have training but I am so afraid now. I need to go there by myself and meet one of my colleagues there. Maybe because I am dumb. I hope everything works fine. and everyday rain, I hope tomorrow morning would not rain if not I will be late for the training.

How's your life?

3 days in a row

L I F E |

Well, what's life to you?

Yesterday was a historical moment of my life where I attended 3 funerals each day from Mon to Tues. It is the end of the fourth month and I attended 4 funerals. Lots of feelings that are intangible.
Well, my boss said it is good for us to attend then we will ponder about life more. We often know but we forgot to think about it. I missed out one last week and I regretted. Nothing to be proud of but to humbly submit to God's will. In the funerals, we can learn how people zealous in serving God throughout his/her life and so many people attended his/her funeral and feel so sad and reluctant. I wonder who will come to attend my funeral. On Monday and Wednesday, during the wake services (conducted by my church) I realized they were people talking loudly outside while not attending the service and makes the whole situation become so noisy, and personally, I feel no respect for the deceased and the family members. Sorry, I am not here to judge but at least talk softly even you are not attending the service.

On the other hand, I do see how blessed people can be when they really cherish their last moments in life by living it to the fullest. What about me? Slacking every day without a goal in life.
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To be honest, for me to die young is one of my wishes. So, if ever I died young, God fulfilled my dream. If not, God has His more beautiful will and blessings for me to live longer. For no one knows what will happen tomorrow, but I know who holds tomorrow (Mt 6:34). It is not how long you live, but about the deepness of your life content.

I hope during my wake service, everyone will be seated in (no one left behind). 5 minutes of silence -ponder upon God's graces and life. Sermon. Choir sing "The LORD Bless You and Keep You" (Num 6:24) to the family, friends, and relatives.

Send me various flowers with pots that can last rather than those funeral flower wreath. As for my body, help me go for cremation.
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I hope you think about life and what are you living for.

fannen

She is still the best!

Recently life has not been that good but it gives me time to think about what's my kind of life's direction. What kind of life suits me and good for me.

I hope I see the life's journey more early, but it's not all too late. It just a little more messed up and gotta deal with it. But it's okay, nothing is too late when you still have your breathes.
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Recently, mom keeps calling me from time to time and I really appreciate it because she knows I need her. She brought me lots of fruits and homecooked meat (frozen) so I can unfreeze it and eat. Her love for me is overwhelm and I miss her. Thankful for having her in my life. She is the only one who doesn't judge me but constantly concerns me. That's the love of a mother!
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I know it's pretty hard to find someone who really understands me but I did not dare to ask much for my life as God's grace is sufficient for us.
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Sooner or later those march makers would come and find me but so far I try to make clear that I'm not ready. I don't care what they trying to do (even out of good heart) they just don't know my story. I'm sorry!
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My own vacation is coming soon and I don't know how it will goes but for sure I'll be getting fat and I just need to buy some stuff for myself. Just this time, usually I don't simply buy things for myself.

Hope everyone has a nice day!

As a failure

Was being scolded yesterday and this afternoon being scolded again.

I know I am annoying and that is why I need to stop talking and just listen. I almost cry but just got to bear with it, you can't just cry in the public (not say cannot but I will try not to).

Well, that got to do with my mood swing. Seriously need to control it.
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Parents are here but I don't have time for them. Sigh.
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But thank God, today I realized something that is important where I always neglected. I think once again God had tell me clearly what is the direction that I should walk and leaves no regret in life.

I recently been a bit confused and lost in life because I did not walk my path properly.

No idea what am I writing..

fannen

Weakest time

Headaches strike me again after just a nap. But still have to get ready for tomorrow's flight.

Well, hope for the very best for my coming training and not to be lazy anymore.

There's a stranger who reminds me that I should have a full-body checkup while my doubt arises at the same time. Am I really ill? It is always a pain on that part of the head and body aches from time to time. Or is it that i did not do any kind of exercise? Well, I will try to do some but I won't go for a check-up. Even though I am not ready for accepting any kind of illness in my body but I always know that I am not that healthy and fit. If I don't live up that long, I hope I can at least do the very best before it ended.
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The preacher did say about how Abraham, his oldest servant, Isaac, and Rebekah entrusted and submissively accept the arrangement of God in the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24). He described how a woman at that time who is a virgin (clean), beautiful (inner and outwardly), and kind from the bottom of the heart (drew water for herself, the oldest servant and the camels, which is not less than 14). How much water does she has to draw for all, that shows how fit she was physical. The preacher said nowadays, girls' room is kinda messy and they are so thin as if the wind can blow them away.
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Recently, I learned from a girl who is so fervent and I know she prays a lot. The grace of God is bountifully pouring on her. She is just like Rebekah in the bible with a kind heart, fit and beautiful in all ways. It is not comparing who is better but I felt shameful for not able to be the best of me.
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Many things keep in the heart that makes it so complicated and you hope one day you could truly let it go by cutting it off. I do dislike the way when I am being too emotional. That really kills everything. Anyway, this year I have one resolution that is to be thankful, so I do not wish to complain about life anymore. That has gone too far in the past of all my negativity that has to pull myself to a very low state.
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Spend the last week with truthful people and enjoy every moment except for the headaches part. Enjoy up to the extend that boss wants to chock me but thankfully I am female (can't call myself girl, lady, or woman).

fannen

Lonesome Update

How are you, beautiful people? (not literally mean outer beauty)

Sorry, I always forget to blog. My fault.

Well, every time when I look at the statistics I am pretty overwhelmed by the results.
I have no idea that those who read this dull blog are those whom I know personally or not but thanks for the view.

Life? Living a lonely life for sure.

Yesterday I realized that I am very emotionally unstable and I am stubborn to a certain extend.
I am supposed to be quite happy yesterday until someone important raising his voice at me as if I am the one to blame. It totally spoils my mood and I become sad right at the moment. So, I cried to sleep.

Work, so far being a tester, and I hope I can do it well because I am a bit messy and I need to know my stand.
Well, I don't know that is it my supervisor giving me clues that I did little or I am too sensitive but it is time to catch up speedily.
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Relationship, I am actually afraid to start a relationship. I am afraid to lose our current friendship. Obviously, I am kinda good with certain guy friends whom I think if I work hard, we might have progressed in the friendship but I choose to pull my handbrake from time to time because I enjoy the current moment when there's a pure friendship that would last forever.

I know that if I got into a relationship, everything will get worse or worst. So to my guys' good friend (whom I regard as), I am sorry but let's cherish the friendship that we obtain now. I do not want to risk and lose another good friend again. I can't give you my best as for now and I am no longer who I am. I need to find back my best self. I sincerely hope that you will find a good wife (to be precise).
#fingerscrossed

Time and Mr. Right is always do not exist together.

fannen

Been to a better place..

Recently, there is the nicest uncle in the church passed away, it was too sudden and most of us feel so reluctant.
He was 72 years old but with a young and energetic heart. He did a lot of small little things that give us a deep and good impression. I cried a lot when I got to know that he is no longer on this earth. He is now back in the bosom of God. He left many good examples that regardless of age, you can learn from it. He planted so many plants and trees around his house and also around church compound, he repaired the leak pipes, he bought ice cream for the children as well as the youth, always gives us a cheerful smile 😁 , volunteer to fetch the students back after church service, lead the hymns and the list goes on and on. He is such a good man and until his wake service, his daughter said he never raises his voice to them. Where else can I find such a mature, cheerful, and gentleman? Always gives the best to others.
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It is the new year, though I couldn't say it is a good one or a bad one, but definitely, it starts with a good lesson in life.
Do what you love, be honest, cherish the time and people around you and what's more important is to never leave God.
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Almost one week I cannot fall asleep before 12am. And I sleep until quite late in the morning. Even though I need not go to the office to work but my sleeping time had been disturbed and I can't focus on work. I feel sleepy 24/7. I do not know what happens to my body and I keep feeling hungry even I ate a lot a few hours ago.

This year, same as last year I do not have specific hope, wish, or resolution. Because without all these, I'll have no disappointment!

Just do your best and make it another awesome year and a better self.

Cheers! 🍻