Up to date

I think I am someone who are easily distracted. I did not do well in many things especially someone special came into my life.
--
Went to a LRT station few days ago, and there was an middle-age lady asked for RM2 from my friend as she has not enough money to go back. I did give my RM1 and another by friend. We still asked was it enough and she said yes. Although many of us did doubt whether she was lying or not. RM2 is little but what if she really lie?

Helping someone is out of a genuine heart. If there's doubt then better don't do as it will be pointless. Maybe just help with a naive attitude would makes you happier. If not you will bring trouble or worry to yourself after helping people. What if people lie? That's is beyond our boundary. Don't care.
--
I can't believe tomorrow there is a quiz. Totally forgotten it.
--
S is gonna leave for real. I would miss him and feel lost. I can feel how much he cares and loves me more than before that is how success he is.

How are you?

It is almost the end of 2015. Time just passed so fast.

S and I had entered the 2nd month of our relationship. Yes, we did have much sacrifices for each other especially time and effort. We're not living that near, so basically we meet once a week if everything went smoothly. He haven't set a date for his flight and I know it would be in a couple of weeks. We do quarrel over small matter because i'm the unreasonable and emotional unstable one. As always he treats me like so good and of course he has quite a high standard for me that I need to climb for it.

Well, dad and mom have a great holidays this year. They went to places they never been and next trip would be Taiwan. Anyway, I would be meeting them later and they drop by to visit me. That is the morning surprise for today. I miss them so much and my brother. Living alone here is kind of cruel but luckily I found him.

My finals would be end of this month. Last week was really a bad week. Each day I have presentations or midterms exam. Somehow, I thought of give up but still, I need to continue until the end.

My government loan was approved and I can live a better life now. And I would be in more debts. What to do, not everyone born in a rich family.

Half more month

Looking into the calender, the time for departure is getting closer. I couldn't imagine the days without him physically by my side. I have seen videos in YouTube concerning LDR. I really believe we can go through thick and thin. Distances is nothing when hearts are close.
--
Life is actually not that mess up. It is my wrong perceptions and I am gonna be more happy. Because a happy smile will gives many positives effects to myself as well as people around me. Hope you readers find a reason to smile too (:

Official

No one knows when did the couple starts their relationship as it is always not official. But, yes, now they both are officially together. No anniversary can be celebrate as no exact date. Never mind, to be together is not about how many anniversary you remember or celebrate. It is about how you both improve to be better for each other and loving each other more.
--
Although, I am not ready to have another half.. sometimes when fates are arrange in that way, I have to accept.
--
Counting down their days of departure from one another and trials of their relationship.

I thought I was right, but not.

At this moment, this very second, I felt that I am wrong. I am so guilty. I am sorry Mr E. I really hope that you don't put hope on me as it is really not worth it.
I am sorry of what I have done.
--
I am seriously don't know what kind of life am I living now. It is a mess. I couldn't go back and I have zero motivation to move on. Seriously, Deer is busy and I don't wanna trouble him. Yea, I need to understand that we are from two different world and it needs lots of effort to try to fit the other in our life. It is real hard. I hope we can go through this and I have little faith. Unless we have strong love that keeps connecting our hearts. Sacrifices are to be made in order to have a closer step in the heart.

He is good to me.
--
At certain point of life, when your think you are strong and right but actually you are totally weak and wrong.

Progressing...

This is the first time holding hands in the mall. Teasing one another is always.
--
People might think I am so blissful now and yes, I admit I am. It is wonderful when people treat you so well. But, do remember to treat people well even they don't deserve it. For doing good deeds must come with a pure and sincere heart.
--
Life is a mess now.

Maybe It Would Be Different

Maybe at certain point of life we might not need each other anymore. Our memories would be blurred and all will be the past. What can we do? as not many things can go to the level of everlasting. Kinship, friendship, love and life. People would just easily give up and those who gain victory are those who endure and fight until the end. I admit that I have lose my fighting's spirit but I know I will need to regain my strength and fight for something, which is worth. As people always say, life is not easy but doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Every stage of life will has lessons on in, you need to figure it out and learn from it. It is kind of self-improvement also. To be better than yesterday.

By the time when you get married my heart would broke but I will stick it together and be glad for you had found your love.

Just enjoy the present

It is been a while..

Hong Kong trip was just nice. I ate lots of homemade food from aunt-in-law. 2kg weight gained for 7 days.

--
He still text her every day and delaying his departure date.

"Life is shit"
"I miss you"
"What to do"
"We have to accept it"

Somehow it is true that life doesn't goes the way that you want but the opposite because we can't control everything. Human is just so limited with power of controlling fate.

The next phase might not be good but a least he and she able to enjoy their lovely life together.

--
Tomorrow need to back to study already. Rest for one week.

Pearl

He was pampering her that much. Prepared snacks and foods for her.
She would remember how they were so hot, sweating here and there when the fan seems to be spoiled and they fixed it together.
They walk for miles to the mall to get cheaper ingredients for dinner and took a taxi back which cost so much. The night they shared their laughter and one small blanket.

Cooking together was so fun and nice. Nice pork mince but too salty. Ha-Ha. Her fault.
Food was served and dishes were washed by him.

Hugged tight and said "I will miss you!"
"For how long? One second?"
*Laughter*

She cried all night because she knew it was the last night.

"We will never meet each other again!"
"Who knows?"
"It might be a lifetime"

He gave her the pearl that his mother gave him few years back so that she would remember him whenever she sees the pearl.

"IF you at 30 years old still haven't married then I marry you"
Doesn't know it is a joke or what.

"Don't go la"

Heavy heart

It was a great night!

They both so close to each other. Now their heart are closer to each other but physically they need to depart from each other.

He treated her like a queen. She is so blissful! That moment of blissfulness would forever craved in her mind.

He text her and said he miss her. Never ever a guy said that to her. AWww!
--
I am so weak, not physically.

I feel strengthless and useless and restless.

Bro said I am lame? Come on, I am serious.

Fate

"Only if I stay a little longer, I will fall for you."
--
The love that the girl forever unable to grab hold of it.
The love that always leave her painfully.

The fate that wrong person always comes;
And right person always goes.

She can touches it but she can't have it.

Love suppose to be giving people good and positive effects but it does not apply to her.
It hurts her more and more every time she choose to believe it again.
--
When shall I break the curse then?

Be stronger than yesterday.

It came on the wrong season again

Every guy is so different. But why those who is suit needs to leaves?
--
He promised the girl many things and the girl started to feel the love he had for him. In between there's so misunderstanding and I think they both had explained it all. That is why communication is so important. They both did had quarrel all the time whenever they are about to have a meet up.

Tonight, the girl just feel so bliss NOT because of he had sex with her. Well, sex do allow both people to feel connected but that only applies to husband and wife. Do not simply do it.
--
Emotional down.

I feel moody and doesn't want to join anything at all. I have really disappointed with them. They just ignored me and I am like invisible.

no one

No one to talk to

Any shoulder?

Who can wipe away my invisible tears?

--
The girl felt so stupid when she was treated like an option. She is not a girl who can gives what her boy wants, yet she still trying her best. They guy just doesn't care. It is just like putting a knife once again cut into the previous scar.

--
S, if you leave I will cry and cry.

Would you still...

Knowing that someone is gonna leave you soon.

Basically is a heart filled with reluctantness.
--
Friend said: How come every of yours will be leaving? It is the same as the previous one. Such a sad case.

What else can I say then?

It might be fate that always make jokes.
--
I was wondering it might be a sense of attachment. Where is my deep love now? I still strongly believe that it is still rooted on Z but not S. S is physically but Z is down inside my soul.

What a complicated love I have. These rapidly decrease my chance of getting married.
--
I like someone that doesn't love my back and someone else might interested on me while I am not. When will these be vice versa?

I am seriously hurt and I knew I am going to be hurt for the second time. That's more than enough.

She dont know

He holds her hand only inside the cinema and she was confused about their relationship. Both know they won't ended up together but still want to meet and get close. Perhaps, that is call unwilling to leave the comfort zone. Two of them are don't want to hurt either one although the ending is so clear.

The girl has lesser self-confident whenever they meet. It is because she felt that she can't please the guy. While he acts as a guru who teaches her how she should behave.

Back to the unit

Sadness is still there.

How can a both who once sleep together intimately had no love towards each other anymore? It's rather impossible. I want to help but I can't. I know they still care for each other just because they are not willing to let go their ego and compromise with one another.
--
Maybe I should let go or I should appreciate what I had now before it goes away. I am gonna miss it so much (apply to people or thing). Seriously, knowing the bad ending that gonna happen is uncomfortable feeling.
--
Kind of feeling empty when the house is so quiet even the new housemate is here. However, I didn't see him before and he locked inside the room. Please don't come out now because I am not ready to meet him. lol. I am not sure to give him a smile only or to open my mouth and say hi. AWKWARD!
--
Little AnAn is growing up. He can remembers me now even I have a sem break. Because usually he will forgot me when I came back here again. When we had established a good relationship then I need go back gain. So that's the cycle. He shared with me his biscuits even without me asking. I love him so much and he is such a cute boy.
--
Let's smile because nothing can destroy your happiness (:

*Apologize for not update recently.

I back home 140904

It is the fourth day I at home.

Planing many things and it would be an excited year for me. We are going to somewhere with airplane. Wohoo!

But kind of boring. No money so stay at house most of the time.

--
Both of them still have contact with each other. More and more understanding. Wishing that love would sprout and grow like plant.

Now I know

Both naked. No sex.

The girl once again being dumped. Seriously, dumped.
--
*correct me if I am wrong.
I understand why people nowadays their relationship is just come and go. People nowadays, they need fast. So, whenever there's the feeling they will just go with it without consider much as breakup seems to be normal to most of the people. They can just go. I think it is the shape of the current society. You would now feel ashamed whenever you tell people how many ex you have but rather you would feel embarrassed when you have no ex at all.

Most people just do whatever they want and leave no regret.
--
I told myself not to look back but still, I looked back. However, I saw nothing. I have to be strong to accept everything.

No reply.

I don't understand why can't we just continue. How come every ending is the same one? Again and again.

Arrghh!

Are you serious or joking?

Jokes would let you feel humorous and laugh or smile.
Serious would allow people to feel formal and humorless.

I don't get when a person is joking to is serious all the time. I am like, serious all the time and that's why at certain stage of my life people address me 'serious'. Whenever a person told me something I would take it seriously and put it in my heart. I will remember it and wait for it to happen. Anyway, I'm so serious until the extend whenever people don't keeps his or her words I would get disappointed in spite people just talk crap. Disappointments always around me and that's not good for my health. I have to get the joke and just laugh like crazy. I do change but that's outwardly. Just for the purpose of cooperating with friends and families.

People always do not dare or want to close with me because I don't smile and whenever I don't smile, I look angry and fierce and serious. After they know me, they would realize I crazy and funny I would go.
--
She is afraid of rejection. It seems like it is almost the end of the story. Text everyday seems to be boring right? She knew that. It is like a curse. Finding the right one is hard, but even when you met, the time would we totally wrong.

Girl, be strong. You would fine one right one at the right time.

A pair of rough hand

For 20 over years, no one ever hold the rough hands of the girl other than her mother. It would sweats and is seriously rough.

She wishes someday, some one would come and hold it and never let go. It is good there is a guy who hold her hand throughout the way to a certain place. Never has she hold someone's hand for that long especially guy. Later on, the guy kissed on his lips. That's the first time she taste a kiss on the lips. He hold her tight enough to let her feel the sense of protection and blissfulness that she has lost years ago. The night they spend time together without sex.

Let's keep this as a secret.

Same pattern of shirt

Ohmygosh, they were wearing the almost similar t-shirt. It looks like a pair of couple.

She didn't expect that's how the hand was held throughout the movie and it still contained mixture of feelings.

The phobia is still with her. It always there keeps reminding her the incident whenever something similar had triggered her.

Anyway, he is just a good man to her.

Will she once again trusted in love? Let time answer this question. Will she willing to make sacrifice again?
--
Seriously, fannen, where did you get so much of courage to do that?
--
The second paper was just killing and heart attack. I would get stroke any time.

Excitement boost

8 more days would be our 2nd monthsary. Lol. He claimed that the ticket was booked and I have no choice but to go.

I keep telling myself that it is not a date but a casual meet up.

Np doubt, the longest duration (in terms of days) that I have texted is him.
--
Tomorrow would be my final exam for this semester and I have no feeling of anxiety at all. Is it because I have too much of final last time that's why I already used to it or I have no hope anymore? Ha-Ha. Happy-go-lucky! Someone please save me.

All day long what I thought is mostly about sleep. zzZ. I feel sleepy 24/7. Final please end faster.

Missed it

Meaningless morning.
He promised he will talk to me once he was back and he did it. It's been days we did not talk face to face online and the feeling is good. I love it so much yet, I did not tell him. He let me feel the blissfulness that not once people give me. I know it might be short-term however, it's good. I hope there is no love as I don't wanna leave someone I love again. In short, I did not want to take it (bliss) because I don't want to take it for granted or to waste it.

Everything would be different if we meet yesterday.
--
I can't wait to go back and hug my mother and have a good dinner with parent. The best is to meet with brother. We seldom get to chat.
--
Movie that make most people cry.
I do not know people cry because of the sad story or being touched by it.

For me, personally I think that they are both considered very blissful. In term of wealth, they have no financial difficulties. In term of love, they found it. Other than health, they have the basic that most people are still struggling for. Some people don't even have money to go for treatment but they are still able to travel. Without their illnesses, both of them wouldn't meet and they would not cherish the short and meaningful life they have. Life is not promise with no ups and downs. When you are at up, remember to enjoy and treasure because people not always remain at above all the time. When down, remember all the worth-things that you would get when you are at up there, so that you could strive and look up. Do not pity but to see from other perspectives. Outwardly, they might appear awful but inwardly, they have a more beautiful life that you and I might still finding and is beyond our imagination.

Postponed or Cancelled?

I came back with the mix feeling of excited, fear and nervous. No matter how, I have decided then I will take all my courage for that meet up. However, he finds me urgently and I sense something wrong. He never did that before. After settled everything down, I contact him and he told me that he need to help his friend for assignment today. Both he wants to go but come on, you can only appear at a place at one time. When I got the news, my feelings are more complicated. To be happy or to be disappointed? Actually, I am not sad but he keeps saying sorry and he feels bad. Okay, I don't want to be selfish and I asked him to go help his good friend. Girl can be find anywhere but not a good friend. Who am I to disturb other people's life circle? Then he insisted to meet on another Sunday, which I think I am not going to go anymore. He said he would book the ticket regardless how I told him not to do so. I feel helpless and struggle and tears flow. 2 months is neither long nor short. I believe one day we will ignore one another like we never know each other before. So why is he so serious about the meet up. You know the ending would end in that way, but would you still trying all effort to change it?
--
The whole morning is like without purpose. I decided not to go anywhere just for the plan but it was cancelled. Maybe I should start study. Arghh!
--
If today is your last day, what would you do?
We answered many things that we know we should do right now but we didn't because we thought we still have plenty of time for that. There is no 'if'. You know what should you do and you have to do it before it's too late. It would be too late if you were to do on the last day. You wouldn't know when is you last day. Perhaps, the second after this or a few more hours you would have to say bye t this world. Just do the right things as long as it doesn't bring harm.

WIthin preparation

3 more days to go. Face is crumple.
--
Started to read a few pages of notes. I really have short-attention spend. This should be the first time I listening to music while studying and music that S composed for me. Statistics' quiz is simply short and scary.
--
Yesterday it a great day for badminton. Complicated feeling had expressed but not all.
--
When you stop pursuing or seeking, it arrive.
Discussed the topic of marriage randomly during our break time. Found a friend who is in common thought with me. Both of us doesn't want to take the responsibility of marriage. It is not as easy as ABC. We still, encouraging people to get married. I hope she would find her soul-mate in the future. Happy because I am letting go little by little and living in the present at this stage of life.
--
Experience is indeed priceless and precious.
What would you change if you could go back and correct your past? So far, the best answer is "I would not correct my past because the past was how it shape me today." My past was broken but it taught me a lot that I think it is so unique and valuable. Last time, I wanted to change. One of it is I would not know him, but without knowing him, I would not able to see through so much of things. He is an eye-opener to me. Accept who you are first and slowly accept everyone. You will feel better although outwardly this world is slowly progressing to destruction.

Mistakes are meant for good as long as you don't repeat the same one.

There's something in his eyes

Four more days to go. Excited for the meet up. Nothing is imaginable for that day. I hope I will be coming back safely.
--
E requested to go for drinks (not wine or beer), non-alcohol. He choosed the nearest place from where I stay. Of course not only both of us but two other brethren. He sent me pictures of sunset where last time I asked him to take but he refused because his house has sunset view from the balcony.

Last night, he looked at me differently as if he got something to tell me but dare not. I tried to avoid eye-contact because I doesn't feel good. I am afraid of that kind of eyes. fannen no longer can afford to hear big words.

It's not the time to accept or receive love for me.
--
Approximately every Wednesday I would feel down, depressed and tired.

In the past

History is not my friend and I dislike it. However, I knew that there’s a part, which was about arranged-marriage by parents. A couple who separated because the husband doesn’t want to involve in the military and he ran to another country. The wife and son remained in the homeland. The wife later on adopted another girl as daughter. She taught the girl so that in the future she can become a good housewife. When it is the time for the son to get married, this mother asked the son to married her daughter, which is her non-biological sister. Someone whom he plays and grows with will soon become his wife.

Would you able to marry your own siblings? You never been told that the sister being adopted is to be your future wife. Could you accept it? I know it is no wrong because biologically there are not related. In the past, people would be so obedient and not even dare to go against the will of those who is in authority. Only ‘yes’ is allowed.

On the other hand, what’s the feeling of the daughter? First, she might thought finally she has someone who adopt her and at least she has a family. But, who knows actually this adoption has another purpose behind it? Second, in her thoughts it might be a way of repaying the grace of the “mother”.

I am quite thankful that I am living in this era as I will not being forced to married someone that I have no feeling or love for.

It goes on

One more day that my brain force me to wake up while my body still needs sleep. That’s the reason I need sleep early so that I have sufficient sleep.
--
The alarm rang and rang again and she didn’t even heard it. Okay, I need to wake her up just to off that irritating phone alarm. It’s a song that is so noisy. Few minutes later, the real alarm clock rang again.
--
My nose was stuck again. It’s is all the time like that especially in morning or dusty time. My mother also have the same situation but more sensitive than me.
--
Most of them already get started of doing revision whereas I am here looking at phone and laptop.

Can’t wait for the exam to be over and go back and do lots of special stuffs. Semester break is like Summer time. We have many short breaks in between. All right, every college and university have different break time especially private college or university. Therefore you won’t be able to have same holidays with your friends unless coincidence happen.
When you don’t have your own standard system to follow, that’s the issue.
--
I love to enjoy the warmness of dawn. But then again, I will recall you. When does fannen wants to let go is a big mystery.

Accept who you are

Since last Tuesday I was busy with my exams and presentations and we had the least text. So, finally today in the evening I can talk with him but while waiting I fall asleep. I am so sorry because I always do that. This allows him to feels that I doesn't want to talk with him. In the end, we still manage to talk. 27 minutes, 6 minutes and 35 minutes. It could be longer but my friends asked me out for dinner.

I know what you mean. I know but thanks for that piece of information.
--
Hey, it would be different if you appear 3 years ago. Everything would be different. I might have do a little more effort and try to be with you. I might get wrong or misunderstand but I seriously will, definitely will. If I hurt you now, is for short-term. Finally I understand why Z told me to let go as soon as possible. Once a brother, forever a brother. okay?
--
Night, steamboat. What a full day! My stomach is always more expand on weekends. I need to do more exercise...

Don't start when not ready

Can I say I should feel sympathy for that girl? First, they appeared as couple. I never seen her before but slowly both of us have contact with each other and consider acquaintance. Now he said they are just very close friend. Hey, if you have no meaning of wanting to married with the girl then don't keep giving false hope. He realize there are some matter that are not common between them. Think before you make decision specially those important one and once wrong it will hurt others not only you yourself. Come on, leaving a scar in people's life is such a cruel act.
--
Today I had done two things and feel a little relieved. There are more to go. Tomorrow would be terrible, is later. Having class from 8 a.m. until 7 p.m.
--
I know your time is different from mine. It is either ahead of me or still at my yesterday. Beautiful creation of God that make it so special.

Back here again

Yesterday we had a night talk again. We had only stop for one day after we started to talk online. I know it's not good and I hope today neither he or I will text each other later. There must be a limit. I think he was bored with me. He got frustrated when we talked about something that I am not good at and I just disturb his mood. We are seriously had running out of topic to say. His patience towards me has an obviously decrease. I am really sorry, S.

Not once I wonder the world is like this. Seriously, what era of mind I had? It seems i need to explore more.

This coming Wednesday would be a stressful and busy day. Presentation and exam are waiting for me. Last minute work is always not secure. I have to remember lots of music in my brain and it is just part of it. Gosh, fannen needs an efficient and smarter brain.

It is always about man and college stuff. Bored.

Let's get through this and one day when I have sufficient money, I can do many meaningful things.

It's always you. Now and forever.

SOB

Early morning felt so refresh and get ready to class as a new day and new month has began.

Somehow, it is not a good start because i got one of my coursework marks back. It's kind of disappointed. Yea, disappointed to myself. I am such an unless and lazy girl. It is just passed. Argh, repeat the same mistake again and again. That's call dumb and stupid or fool.

Everything had just screwed up.

Okay, no matter how worse the situation is, i must go through it.

Let bygone be bygones.
--
I enjoy night talk with you although sometimes or all the times we don't really know what to say or ask. It's good when someone willing to spend their time on you as time is consider important to everyone.

Let's see how long it's gonna take for this time.
--
My life has lack of a main character that gonna makes everything so different and worthwhile. One day, I will found.

Enjoy your day! (:

I dont know what to ask

When the conversations goes longer and more, I don't know what to ask or say. Every time when we talk through internet is approximate two hours. I like to listen to him but not to talk, however, he wants me to ask and talk more. I am not sure what he is interested at, so I didn't reveal many pieces of my life. One piece had just been shared.

I don't think he feels i am pretty and so forth.
--
Does best friend stays forever?
All these while I have many good friends but none can be my best-friend because I close myself and seems like no one can enter it. A mask is always on my face that none even realize it. My good friends also came and went. I won't stick to a person for long as none of them are supper glue. I didn't see it as bad as you will have lots of good friends everywhere. My best-friend must be my future husband. I would love to share everything with him and he must be one who doesn't judge me.
--
Saudade.

Break the rules

There is this man who out of sudden I told him my past. He doesn't agree with what I am believing and holding right now just because it is different from others. And of course he didn't judge, he just share his opinion and experience to me. I know what i am believe and I choose to follow. Truly believe that the teachings is good for me. My principles would not change when I think there is no necessity to change.

Talking to you and skype with you it is consider as breaking the rules. I shouldn't have told you so much and spend so much time on you.

He said I think to much and too far was just exactly what Z told me. I am not thinking too much but to think for the future. I hope it would be a good one. Yea, if it is perfect then there is no difference with robot. Seriously, some rules can be break but not all. Think carefully before every rule that you intent to break.

Thanks for teaching me so much stuffs especially regarding IT. Life without you in this moment would be a little plain.

Allowing you not to feel lonely or emotional down when you are alone. Makes you feel there's someone who can accompany you in the the silent night.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you are my cinderella,
I will give you shoes.

I'm sorry

When I though it was a lucky day but actually it is not. I got a stack of sticky notes for free and I have a free access ticket. I have never been so lucky before.

I went to a funeral of a believer yesterday. I didn't expect it was my friend's mother. I am so shocked.. Life is really too fragile. It's been years we never met face by face other in facebook. I feel so shameful for myself as I really have no idea about the lost. Years after years, when the time we met is on funeral service and we are getting older.

Would not attending the funeral service of you death separate wife? IF you are not attending, does it mean you are cruel or loveless? I believe he has the reason of not appearing himself.

But, if we know where you will be going after you died, then death is just a process of ending your the life on earth.
--
Done English presentation and left one more to go.
--
She told me that she was heart broken and the wounds that she has currently because of her work. Don't know what should I do. I love her and I doesn't want her to suffer that much. I need to study hard and get excellent result to make her proud. Her trouble is part of my account. Yea, I have troubles that couldn't be solve forever.

Love your enemy

It is one of the subtopic for Tuesday's sermon. It is easy for someone to put a fake smile on the face when he or she meets with the enemy. However, what is more challenging or hard to achieve is remove all the hatreds and smile genuinely to the enemy. I know sometimes it is very hard to give way or to let go of enemy. There are many reasons why people just doesn't want to forgive. Misunderstanding, face value, doesn't wants to be at the losing end and so forth.

Let's think who do you hate the most. It might be someone whom you loved before. Your ex-best friend, ex-crush, or ex-spouse? Why do we hate someone who, we truly love before? Isn't love is unconditional? Probably he or she did something wrong or hurt you in the past. Don't ever change your love to hate but change hate to love instead. To forgive and forget but, in fact many can forgive but can't forget. At least you forgive right? Living in hatred is not good at all, should try to be happy instead. Actually from the bottom of my heart, if you care that person then only you will hate. If not you won't bother about it at all.

To love is better than to hurt.

Don't give up!

At times, you really wish that someone would always by your side and makes you feel that you are not alone in this world. That person would just keep making sure that you are fine and constantly makes you feel happy and keep laughing. Have you found one?

I have many temporary people around me who makes me feel i am not alone. They appeared at different phase of my life that allow me to feel the bliss in life. Even though there is none who can last longer yet, I am thankful for it. Everyone has their own path to walk, so don't be so demanding that people need to stay in your life forever.

Was reading a book halfway, I truly feel sad for their love story so far. Both of them doesn't know they had fallen in love with each other. So each of them married another person. Sadly, they're both their best man for each other's wedding. They just missed every single chance. That's pretty sad and argh... I hope the ending doesn't disappoint me.

Yea, not every love story have a beautiful ending. As long as both love each other deeply and accept the imperfections, love will make a broken things to be perfectly fixed without scar.

You who are reading this, hope that you have a beautiful love story. Do share with me if you don't mind (: *Good things are ought to share!*

Calm down fannen

I was so angry and fed up. The graduation's photo was so disappointed. It's like not professional one. And with simple edition they need to charge up to RM50.

While walking to the bus station, a nice car who wanted to make a turn didn't give signal. So what? You have nice car you can save your signal? It was so dangerous even I am walking but not driving.

Okay, I need to cool down.

People will always help me when I need help. I am just too pampered. I owe everyone around me. I am a blissful girl who sometimes love to complain and discontented.

They just want me to be with him

First of all, I really need to thank God for today's achievement!

I have been busy the whole day. Fuhh! Leg seriously pain because standing for too long.

It is my graduation day. My parents came and I got two bouquet of flowers and one bear. Kinda excited of the picture that was taken just now. If God's will, after two more years I will be wearing the graduation gown again (:

Okay, they are so mean. They wanted he and I to take picture together. We're really just like brother. He is really good but not for me. Should I stop asking help from him? But we're indeed a good friend. Those we can tease one another and have mutual understanding. I seriously doesn't want to involve in any relationship. I need time and I not fully able to let go.

Today most of the people at least got spending time with family except me because they need to rush back as tomorrow they need to work. Johor's system (most southern part of M'sia), Sunday is consider the first day and they will study on that day and Friday is an off day for government school. Everyone asked the same question, "Why are you here? You didn't go and celebrate with your parents?" ... my heart was thinking "Who don't wish to?"

I never left my phone before.. but left it at church charging and no one I can contact with. And I asked him for help but was rejected. Anyway, meet my phone tomorrow. Ha-Ha. I hope I won't sleep late because I don't have any alarm. After this incident, seriously feel the need of phone but I can survive with it.

Let's see what will happened tomorrow (: Good night..

My hair was straighten once again.

i met with my parents just now! They came all the way from Johore to KL just for tomorrow. *touched*

The fridge was fulled again! Say bye to hunger for a while.

Thanks to housemate helped me to straightened my hair for temporary. Feel confidence!

I am so sorry Mr. E. I didn't saw your message and didn't manage to drink the soup you prepared. And your stuff I seriously forgot to bring.

Feeling guilty...

Graduation gown

I took my graduation gown today. The excitement is there and I am going to attend my diploma graduation this Saturday! Oh, parents are coming tomorrow. I miss them seriously very much.

Two years before this I never expect this day will come to me. Ha-Ha.

It's been a while i didn't think and wonder on many issues. That's why I didn't have much to write. Give me some times... because I am quite busy recently.

Shouldn't I be happy?

Every morning it's so quite and calm as everyone is still sleeping especially there's no class for everyone.

Once I opened my eyes this morning, it's 3 a.m. and most of my housemates yet to sleep and the girl sleeping besides me keeps dream talk. I have no idea what have I ate or drank that makes me woke up at that time as I am really tired. Exhausted. I tried so hard to make myself fall asleep but I still failed. Later, 4 a.m. mother wish me "Happy birthday" but at that time I had fallen asleep until this morning the alarm (not mine) ring again. I have no idea why she needs to on her alarm on public holidays or even every morning while she will sleeps back. Every morning her alarm wakes me up rather than wakes her up.

Morning bro post a status of a short birthday wish on my fb timeline.

I am sad not because I don't have a cake on my birthday, yet it is because I don't have family around me. I consider have quite many friends, however, they doesn't let me feel the sense of one family. Wishes from them might be encouraging.. in fact, what I want is their presence.

A girl that always miss home.

I wish it was still the same

Today my friends gave me a little surprise by celebrating my birthday- though it is not today.

From the bottom of my heart, I doesn't feel so excited or happy. Just a normal day. I am sorry, my friends. Perhaps I might not expect it in this way. It is better to have less expectation. Last two years, no matter how, I would want you to wish me but this year, I not dare to do so anymore. I know that you would not wish me anymore. There's no one who really can understand how I feel, i may be too complicated already.

From the bottom of my heart, I am reluctant to let anyone come near you at first. But, regardless, you will be with someone else. That's the cruel fact but I need to accept.

Life is easy without you.

Still have no plan for tomorrow. I doesn't want to stay at the unit for whole day. I wish to have a companion to date with but on the other hand, i wanted to have a personal space with myself. Giving myself a treat (:

It grows deeper.

I dream of that special person again and again.

There's no way you can escape from my mind. I tried and tried. It is still the same.

When the time I knew that I should let go, it's all too late. The love grows deeper and deeper day by day that I can't even imagine how deep it is.

I wish one day I would wake up with loss of memories.
The memories that you had given me are wonderful but I hope I have the chance to say no to it.
It can consider the best memories that
I ever had but I think it doesn't belong to me.
Neither shouldn't I obtain nor have the rights to own it.

At times good and beautiful memories doesn't seems to give you good feeling in the present life. As you know, it will forever remain as histories of your life and they wouldn't come back anymore.

oh, the bus

Remember what I always see the situation on the bus.

I am not sure for other countries or states, in KL my area, if possible people would not sit next to each other. They would choose the place where no one is sitting beside as the seats are two by two. When all the rows are occupied by a person, then the leftover will choose to sit with those similar characters one. For instance, it would be same gender, race or even age. Do we really that reserved? Or we have social restriction since long time ago? Can't we just say hi to each other and enjoy the journey together with a little chit chat? Rather than looking at own electronic gadgets. Communication face to face is lesser compare to before. It's different culture with different thoughts.

Anyway, the one who always choose to sit with me will be guy with different race and older than me.

I do enjoy looking at the mirror enjoy the view (although at here is nothing so interesting, just pretend) and wondering. Ha-Ha. Ponder upon something that might not happen in real life or something about the past.

A sudden plan

Lacking of sleep seriously, came back from McD almost 2am. Woke up at 7am to get ready for morning prayer. Enjoy the moment of taking bus where the bus is almost empty.

Punctuality. Okay, I know I can't bear with people who is late, although I would be late at times. I think, if that thing is important to you, then you won't have any excuse to be late. You would wake up with excitement and get ready as soon as possible.

I went to Pahang just to follow them to visit an old lady. She had been abandoned there. It took us 2 hours an half to reached there as we never been there before. That's the place where they accept people with disabled without any money. This is what i heard from them, who knows indirectly they had accepted money. The environment will makes your heart ache. There are around hundreds of old folks living there. She cried when she saw us. I know there's nobody come and visit her. Truly from the heard, all she wants is to see her sons. I believed she doesn't accepts the truth that her sons abandoned her here alone. All the folks are being locked inside. Oh please, they are also human.

On the way back, we had durian. I am not sure you like it or not but basically I am a durian-lover!

Well, I basically forgot what I need to write. Opps, sorry!

Oh, July

Yea, it's july. Most probably the month that I love. Next week will be church outing and after that week would be my dip convocation day. The best thing about convo is I can see my parents again! Let's ignore all those midterms and presentations. Before that would be my birthday, yea, I hide it so that I can know who is the one who can remember.

Today is a Sabbath Day!

Let's be happy and enjoy weekend!

For that person

Would you do something to please someone you love even though you are not interested in it?

Don't you feel tired after doing something you doesn't like but still you do it for that special person in your life?

I think it depends on how much of love that you have for that person.

Sometimes it is worth for you to do so, but not all the times and all the situations.

On certain occasion, it might not worth. As no matter how much you did, you won't touch or move that particular person's heart.Is like why not you spend your time and love on someone who truly appreciates it?

I sacrifice just to remain my love for him. And that's the most stupid decision i had ever make.

No turning back!

Cry for Life

I saw the men who is a foreigner and asked my friends and I to "cry for life!" months ago.

Neither or us knew him or see him before. That time we are laughing at certain things and suddenly he walked by. Thus, he thought we were laughing at him and he turn his footsteps and asked why are we laughing at him. Seriously, that time three of us got shocked. After tried to explain then he finally went away. He turned back and asked us to cry. I asked him back, why should we cry? So he added on "CRY FOR LIFE"

It makes me feel that he must have gone through a lot. I wish I could have known him and get to understand his situation more.

What do you think?

I got stalked.

Seriously, I doesn't know how that person can find me with that little information of me. I can't accept it. I give salute to you!

It is the second day of raining. Cold! I can hear the sound of the rushing wind.

How come those who treated me so good are not the one whom I seriously care? I am so sorry to those who put so much efforts on me..

Somehow I wish to have a soul mate or a travel partner. That willing to share part of his life with me. I prefer man. I mean mature man. It's hard to define here as everyone has their own perspective and definition. The one man who can teach me many things about life and many things. It's just a dream or wish... in reality, it might be a great difference. Ha-Ha!

Last times, I thought that I found one, but actually I am wrong. I have come to accept the fact that one day I need to see him in the church hall in red carpet, waiting for his bridegroom to arrive and said, "I do." I admit that I often dream of him and I have no idea why. Hoping that he would not appear in my dreams anymore and I believe he doesn't likes it.

I assume I still can't let go..........

An Advice

She told me that I knew the answer, just do it. Don't ask when I already know the answer.

At times, we really know the answer yet we still want to ask because we might need a double confirmation.

In the blink of an eye, half of the year had gone. It's already enter the month of July. Last few months I was so excited about July yet I forgot what's the reason. Convocation? Birthday? It doesn't seems to be so important anymore.

Oh ya, I am counting down the days of me to officially become 21. two ten years had gone. but I did learnt many things in life.

I hope I have a more beautiful and abundant life ahead (:

She widdened my eyes

It's a beautiful and meaningful Sunday!

I shall start straight away from 12 a.m.
I am with the youth "yamcha" (for a drink) at the new McD. It's not near but they choosed to go there for fun. These are all happened at Saturday night after choir practices. When we wanted to go back, the World Cup is just to begin. So, a few of them said let's sit down and have a look for 5 minutes but my group ended up for 20 minutes. Few of them insisted to stay and finished the match until the end.

12 p.m. Visiting.
CR, WC, SN and I went to visit a church friend at her shop. She's selling healthy products and she'll see how your health condition is at that moment. In the meanwhile she helps us to explain and give some tips on how to take care of your body. Then, she baked pizza for us. Yea, pizza is just for tea time so she treated us lunch. Next station is to go to her house and that's the core of the day.

She has gone through a lot in her life. Thus, her experience and perspective is much more far and plentiful than mine. Moving from one place to one place is one of her life "must do things". That's her different jobs requirement. Maybe is because she had encounter many different peoples around the world, thus she is able to read face features and body language well.

She is gifted with creativity, and wisdom. Even though she had no high education background compare to you and I, but she usually works above many people. She taught me that I should appreciate what I had now. Don’t demand for anything as one day, either the things will gone or you yourself died. Making sure that I should wake up early and sleeps early. That’s our body natural needs (organ need rest), don’t gives burden to it. Next is to always remember to keep a clean body. When you’re healthy, it is also a way to be obedient to your parents.

A few of us complain that we can’t have a good sleep in this place yet can sleep well in that place. She and I come to an agreement that it is a mentality issue. If you go to the country that is more worse that they don’t even have a cloth to wear. You would not complain anymore.

In everything, do it with faith. Read the bible and pray every day.

Besides that, her house is very comfy and it is mostly white. The house has a beautiful view and she has telescope.

Of course this is all summarize from her testimony of her life! I really learn a lot from her. If I miss out anything I will add on at another blog.

That’s the reason why I likes to meet different people so that I can learn more from them. Not everyone will go through the same situation but you can take it as reference. Perhaps one day you might face it or your friends. Everyone has their own unique and interesting story of his or her path of life.

Treats everyday as your last day and you will do the best in everyday's life!

How about you?

A short note.

Hey (:

*I see there's an increase in the pageviews almost everyday.

No matter how you come to know and read my blog or just pass by, I would like to say Hi to you!

Doesn't matter what had happened in your life at this moment i just hope that you have a nice day and don't forget to create happiness instead of waiting for it to come into your life. Life is more beautiful than you and i think of.

May God gives you peace in your heart (:

Love,
fannen (:

Hiraeth

I could feel the strong wind passing by and every little and light things in the house were following the wind. Breezing cold. The sounds of papers and plastics flapping had destroyed the silence of the unit.

It's been few weeks there's no falling of water from the sky. Is like the soul of the earth being moisture once again.

I miss dad, mom and bro so much.

Wishing that I would have one day rest so that I can be with them and of course a day break fly to be with you just a little moment. Life is too short..

A few more months would be my final and my learning percentage is like 5% or less than it. I need to catch up.

I smile for you!

I had never been to this frustrated before.

Feeling so weak and sick. Morning with my "sexy" voice I went for lecture. Everyone asking why did I sick so sudden. I don't know. Perhaps I need a full-stop or comma in my life.

I take up too many responsibilities just because I doesn't know how to say "no". Everything arrange in a sequence. Well, even my parents never treat me in this way.

My mind was thinking of finding someone to express out my feeling but I found none. I wish you are here with me, but then you surely will judge and say why I am so immature and it's just a small matter. It is so sad that no one at least could be there, listen to you. God is still the best listener that truly can understand me!

I don't want to have any credits to my work that I had done. However, at least you let me feel the sense of my existence. People just treated me like I am invisible. So, I do so much and you no need at least inform me? I am going to quit! I am not doing much but I have my limit. I AM A HUMAN TOO! You're right, it's an opportunity but I can't carry on. You never know unless you are wearing my shoes. I hope I have a cruel heart and a heart that doesn't care (busybody).

When a community is not of one heart...
I seriously have low motivation to continue. When everyone brings their own motive behind I feel so uncomfortable and fear. It is like hypocrite.
..
Every time when someone wanted to close to me I would put a barrier. When I slowly remove the barrier, then it's the time when that particular person slowly shows me sign of detachment.

I miss you, babe. Yea, our time is so different that you are still living at my yesterday (date). I miss the moment where our time was the same and we get to talk to each other so often. You are the one who treat me so good! Sorry for that, I have been so busy a neglected you.
..
No voice of mine.
I can truly understand how the feeling of someone who is dumb. When I no voice, I can't express what I want and I feel so fed up.
..
When I was queuing for fees payment, a male student came and asked "what are you queuing for?"
I answered "for fees payment".
"Take this number".
"Huh? Oh, okay! Thanks".
He went away, then when I look at the number.. it's my turn!
I immediately ran towards the counter. That guy helps me a lot, without him, I would have to wait for 50-70 peoples to pay their fees before my turn.

I am sick!

It's been years i never sick!!

Lack of sleep and rest and heaty and hazy weather.

I never forget to come up here and have a look. I know we would not appear at there for the same time again! It's impossible. Not really dare to stand there for too long as I am afraid my feeling would come back.

The haze is back. I dislike it. Please stop polluting the air!

When someone ask me you should look for a guy and i answered "I don't need!", people would think i am not available. Lol. And asked am i in a relationship with someone? Please, I don't need = I don't want to get married. Simple. However, I didn't tell them. Let it be (:

Miss him dearly.

I feel my emotional is not stable. Maybe too much of things doesn't went on smoothly. However, I do feel the grace of God in between. He will makes a way, where there seems to be no way!
..
Received a message from brother. He sent me a picture of donuts to show me that he is blessed with sumptuous food. I know he doesn't want us to worry but life there would be very stress. Nothing can replace the empty heart of mine towards this family. I love and miss them. They're so far from me. Father and brother are the man who treated me like their princess.
..
I don't know why I still so concern about you. Out of my conscious you will appear in my mind. It is not as much as before but it gradually become more these few days.

Please find a girlfriend and let my heart die to the end!

Did I heard wrongly?

My busy weekend are still fully schedule until like forever. I am tired physically and mentally. Drenched. Assignment all dead. Midterm, I better close my eyes tightly.

J.CJM is having wedding dinner this week. Gosh! When I heard of it I stunned for few seconds to recall back who is she. I have long time never see her. I feel sad because she is not marrying a guy that has the same faith with her. Seeing people one by one "unofficially" leave.

One of my good sister told me that she wants to get married and settle down. She said she doesn't want to waste time. Life is too short to wait and wait and wait. In the past she doesn't want to get married but now she changed her mind. I am the opposite of her. Last time, I would wish to have a family and lead a blissful life. I am so willing to make sacrifices and everything. After sometimes, after the leftover scars... nothing can change my mind so far. However, I bless every couple to have a blissful life in the future.
..
We are just good friends. I know he cares for me and always compromise me, I really hope he took me as a good friend and I am the one who think too much. I wish he is similar to you. We're just close friend and won't exceed it.
..

These few days I had been chatting with a few guys. They are good... but not for me (statement that I always use). I would thanks them for making me feel the blissfulness once again. Yea, our path in future doesn't meet with one another. Enjoy while you still breathing. It sounds like so sad when someone is so close with you but you both doesn't belong to each other in the end. He is not the one that would hold your hands and walk the path of life together.

After looking at the statistic, there's one reader from Malaysia. Maybe he or she just passed by but I would like to say Hi and Welcome to my blog ((:

7 went, 1 left

Yesterday night everyone in the unit not around. Seven of them went to somewhere nice while i watched Maleficient with 17 children and 2 adults. It's a nice movie. Once i opened the door, there's no single soul. They're still there in one of the club or pub. I didn't know their stories until this morning. One housemate and one roommate drunk and totally out of conscious. They drank five buckets. Wow! Luckily i didn't follow them because i can't drink. 4am only reached unit and i am the one who sleep until without conscious. I didn't know they're back as i am too tired. So, this morning everyone in sleep and i went college alone.

What a day!

It's great to have you!

It's a birthday celebration for my very good male friend. Planning. Surprising. Wishing. Rushing. Laughing. At least he was surprised! In the end everyone group together for games and left me alone. Isolated. I really very tired.

Next it's my turn. I don't wish to have a piece of cake and everyone makes surprised because i know they won't and they can't even remember mine in their hearts even though it is my 21st. For Chinese, 21st is to celebrate it.

After finding so long, yet I still couldn't found one that really... . I gave up! Tired of finding and putting effort on it. Not making any sacrifice anymore.

I only wish you could text me or found someone you love and get married.

#missyouasalways

Where is he?

Does every girl needs to get married?

I do believe in marriage. Happy for those sweet and blissful couple walk into the red carpet and say "I do."

A few years back i make a resolution of not involve myself into marriage. I do not want to take up the responsibility. On the other hand, i know that God has creates man and woman in pair. Everyone will be finding his or her other half and get together to be one. I don't dare to tell my church friends that i am not interest in marriage anymore.

Which girl on this earth does not want to have a man who completely fit them with the good and bad point to be perfect? Those who doesn't might being hurt before or they see the bad side of it. Likewise to me.

Would you be happy when seeing someone you love deeply holding the hand of another out of the church after their marriage's vow? I think I can, but i have yet to reach that stage.

Perfectionist

Few years ago i only realized that i am a perfectionist after a few personality test. Though some of it really general but i had realized.

Then i slowly down graded my standard. I thought i am a person who is very flexible and easy going in the past. However, it is all self-deceit.

Yesterday out of sudden, it came to my mind. I really will angry when people cannot reach my standard. And i don't really like working in a group. As i have my own opinion and when others disagree i would be very frustrated in inner heart. I am a very hard person. Means if you don't follow mine then you go away. Something like that. It's time to change! Thinking back, when i do something i wish i could return and make it perfect without mistake.

It's time to change!

Sorry for didn't update my blog recently! /.\

All i need is money

Last week, after knowing my semester fee is that much i really stunt. I didn't know what should i say or do. Where can i get that amount of money in less than two weeks time? Without hesitate, i took the withdrawal letter. I think and think and think. Parents do can give me that amount of money for my whole course but.. I really don't want used up all their money just for my education. It's cruel. A great decision in my life. I never feel so poor before. Thank God that everything is still fine. "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way" this song really encourage me (:

I really will miss them (church) if i left. Even though i don't like coming back to KL. Despite the tiredness i had, this is the place i can serve God more, or to say I can have the chance. I enjoy doing it!

Someone had just committed suicide by jumping from 18th floor and died on the scene. He was staying another block of my unit. I heard that he was the top scholar of my university college. The reason still yet to reveal. Life is just so fragile. Youngster not really want to seek help but to use their own method.

What's the feeling when you trying to help someone yet, the rejected?

In an apps, I get to know a few new peoples around the worlds. Many people bringing a purpose in that apps. Some want sex, some find bf or gf. Some wish to express their real feeling whlie some just wanted to find someone to talk to. But I do loves this apps so much because your status will remain as anonymous unless you want to reveal your real identity. A few post are real sad, some interesting and funny. You can get to know how's is the life of others and makes me feel that i am so blessed. Besides, we can comment on the post. Criticism, Encouragement, Appraisal are there. Like i always said, everyone is so unique and they have a story behind it.

What you pondering?

What's on your mind now? I just heard the sound of the fork and spoon knock the plate from the balcony. It's the old couple having their meal beside my unit. How warm and sweet they are. I wish my house have more that kind of sounds. Having a meal together is so warming and important to me. Plates are plenty yet non was used. Does your house have that sound when having meal? Or everyone is looking down at their phone without communication? Besides, i do heard sound of television. Hope to watch tv with the old couple even though i have yet to greet them before. Someday! My mind couldn't catch up what's happening now. I have no idea. Wish to end everything but i can't! Life is full of temptations. I afraid one day i might sin against God.

New unit

A great morning with no disturbances. Friends always around me makes me never feel lonely yet i have less personal time. Temptations are many. The only things i like this place is just because the scenery is pretty much awesome.

It's the fifth day but third night i was overnight at my new unit with my classmates and some acquaintances.

I really adapting with live with my friends. Trying so hard to join them whenever they go but hold in my purse seems bigger. I fear! Good please gives me strength to overcome all these things.

Welcoming my bachelor degree life with lots of worrdes and make me wanna cry again. Crying doesn't solve the issue right?
--
In this earth, there are still people who live with his father but doesn't know Tue exact spelling of his father's name. What shall i comment on this? I seriously can't accept and wonder how is the relationship with the father.
--
Can you accept homosexual? Asian country has been more and more common yet i believe majority still have a very tradition and preservative thinking. How about you? I do have friends are homosexual but i don't mind making friends with them. They're still human right? Every things happened for a reason. Believe me, everyone has their own story behind it! (: Things that is against the nature i am not agree but who am I to judge? Leave it to God!
--
Yesterday i lied. I seriously feel so guilty!! I don't used to lie.. I feel it is a habit.

Who is the one..

I believe most of the people have headphones. Do you ever have that special peoples when you chat or message with them you would feel extremely bliss? Everything happened, you wish them to know. You can't wait for them to reply. Looking at the phone for almost every second is what you do. Who would that person be in your life? Boyfriend, bestfriend or father?

In my life, i have very special one that i will stay up late just because to message with. Sorry to my health and parents because is not them. Excitement reach the maximum after knowing we can call each other. Then, i realized it's only one way feeling. I know already but i still hold it on. That's the reason i got hurt until i don't have feel of pain. Maybe slowly i would feel it.

Afterall, i do enjoy life without that person. I go out with many other people, enjoy that every short moment of life.

I know i still cheating on myself because every moment I still thinking of you. That's my failure.

Don't let too much of your feeling into a relationship that you yet to confirm. You would lost a lot. This risk are not worth to take. Don't be silly especially girl. For sure you won't forget!

I will never sacrifice my sleep for this anymore!

O, you little fear!

It's a happy but i cried for money. Seriously i never thought of the importance of money in my life. If no money problem then life would be much more easier. I really wish to quit everything in KL. I got to take another option to have a better life.

Worry has distracted my life. I can't live a happy life that fulfil my one and only resolution of 2014, which is to happy and not to cry. I really worry.

After 10 years, i will not worry for money!

God, please show me the way that you want me to walk on. Grant me strength so that i can overcome everything!

What age is for you?

Age is just a number.

If there's a gap between age, would you find it hard to communicate? I mean there might be different in thinking, lifestyle as well as level of maturity. However, there must be certain percent of peoples who can join in the topic of conversation with the younger or older one. Some people are advance at age yet, they are as seems a kid. Whereas, some can be very mature in thinking though they're just that young. By the way, i like someone who is older than me in the sense of thought. The way they look at things are so much different and sometimes awaken me. They're my eye-opener for this world. At times, others can see what your can't see.

People often says an older husband and a younger wife are almost perfect. I mean a pure relationship, not those who married yet find another young woman. The husband would be very 'sayang' the wife. Of course the wife cannot be too childish la. Every relationship there must be problems, is both want to dissolve together or not. No stereotype, a bigger wife and younger husband does makes some differences. In this, husband must be not so concern about man's authority, like everything must listen to him and he is the most in authority. Please la, woman still can live without you. Not flexible at all. That one is not my cup of tea. Should ask wife for opinion in respect to her. True, some wife really can tolerate and compromise with husband just because of love that never fades.
-----
It's another story. What if one day your mother had left (passed away, divorce and so forth), your father remarried your ex-classmates. Can you accept it? Why yes, why not?
-----
Your junior does better than you. When you go for job interview, he is the interviewer. How do you feel and what's your response? Actually, it doesn't matter who is above you as long as you do the best. If you don't want someone better than you, then prove to them.

Asian, had been bounded by the traditions, not sure about western. Someone who is older than you must sit in a higher position. Why? I don't deny we need to respect to them but they also need to humble right? They're older doesn't mean they might be right. Just like some parents, always scolding the children yet they can't see themselves. Always remember that no one is perfect, human will still makes mistake.

It's just the way you think... I might be wrong, do correct me! (:

Make Believe

I don't want after ten years my life would be so robotic. Working, working, working. I want 365 is my offday! I want travel everywhere. I will not let my life down. I want it to be beautiful and meaningful.

Let's make a difference from now on (:

Amway, my way.

Readers, don't mind joining me? Pm me (:

I can't, they can't afford.

If i am a billionaire.

How come we need to spend so much money for our education? It makes many who are poor not able to pursue their education. Without the cert you can't do much things actually.

I want my life. I will make it happen!

Believe and you can, fannen (:

You're the first!

We shouldn't hate someone in bottom our heart right? but they did. When you can't love, so you hate? Is it real? When you don't have love, you won't care then why hate exist? I don't understand! They quarrel in the public again. I just doesn't know where my face shall be hidden. Embarrassing! Self-cheating is not good at all (think positive). When the same issue occur, it doesn't help at all (for me).

Sad.sad.sad.

Seeing sometime you love cracking everyday, every hour and second.

You will first come into my mind automatically when i thought of anything. I know you would listen, give advice and scold just to help me. Unfortunately, I can't do it anymore and you won't. Now, you see a different me. I still hope you're here by my side to support me. Anyhow, i try not to as i promised. It's more and more far~

fannen, don't be greed. People already give more than enough. People enjoy life without you. What do you still want? What's not yours will not be yours. Let go and move on! Allow the sweetness you had ever tasted remain as old good memories in your life forever ((,:

I believe everoyone will have that particular people whom they think of most of the time (:

A nomad's grandma

An elderly who has no house to stay permanently. Her husband left her behind with six children in her young age. After years, her grandchildren grown and she even had upgraded to great-grandmother. In fact, she never suffer before. Once her husband passed away, her two oldest teenage children went to worked just to raise the other four siblings and maintain the family life. She is different in many ways compare to other women. The way she teach children, the lifestyle are special. Somehow, her traditional thoughts had great influence and shape her in that way she is always. Active at night, rest in day time. Her story is fantastic! It is not sufficient to write in a single post. Do allow her to appear at my blog separately in different characters.

In her present life, she quarreled with her beloved daughter-in-law. Hence, she needs to move all her luggage to her eldest’s son house. Nagging and story telling of the old good and bad times is her specialist. Ten years, twenty years, thirty years what she is saying are the same one as if her memories had stop in that particular moment. Her memories started to decades, possibly of her smoking habits, sleep in the daytime not night (body didn’t rest enough) and advance in age. She would say something the other way round. Greed on a silver plate had pushed her daughter-in-law to the border and burst.

In this case, we can’t say any party has no wrong. One has stolen; one has showed no respect to elderly. What say you? One day when your things were stolen and you are claim as a thief, would you angry? Alternatively, to say, you are throw out by your beloved children. I felt pity for her at times. For me, she might not aware of what she did and say. Everyone is human; no one would like to have no home that can keep warm. Still, no matter how, treats everyone the best and leaves no regret. What is reputation that so important even can destroy the kinship, which is so precious?

A mother is still a mother.

Easy Going

I have a friend who is very generous in all ways. Occasionally, I would admire her because they find pleasure in giving to others. Her life would be more easier and more simple rather than calculative and complicated. No doubt, my dad and brother are generous man. Hesitation wouldn't exist when they're giving. Happiness belong those who gives willingly. Less worry, more genuine.

I am blessed to met and surrounded by many generous people in my life. There's no way for me to repay them and feel so embarrass.

Reluctantly, i will be going back to KL to continue my degree soon. This time i will be alone as brother wasn't there anymore. Finally these few days we had dinner together by mom and bro. Brother would always help mom in the kitchen that's why mom likes him more. My bro is very caring especially towards family and friends. That's what i am lacking at. Blessed are girl who marry with him despite he is not handsome (:

** Readers **
Thanks for reading my boring blog especially from Germany and US!
Have a sound sleep (:

Not detail-person

I don't know what happen to my eyes.. My reading. I always skip or didn't see properly. Careless! I assume i see it the other way. Gosh!! If I continue to be like this i will get myself into more and more trouble. What a trouble-make am I!

fannen please change lar!

:,(

A drastic change

I saw a nice stray dog wandering around my village. Not sure, of its type but it owns a long-white fur. Dog do have their story. It did not go back to the house ever since its elderly master had passed away. Other family members do find him and it was at my village. The one who feed him came and asked him go back yet he refused. He chose to live a nomad’s life rather than staying in a big house with other dogs and provided with meal. That is a matter of choice in life. The best might not be what you want or suits you. In the eyes of many this dog is foolish. The house can provides shelter, companion and meal that many stray dogs admire and long for. Well, for me it has chosen freedom, independent and exploration, a life that he wants after fulfilled its duty (loyal to its master). What about you? You choose what the world believes is the best or you yourself believe is the best for you.
..
One day, someone complain to you concerning certain matters and unconsciously, you give your opinion of what he should do. Unexpectedly, he scolded and said you are wrong and gives unwise solution. Hence, you try hard to explain but the situation got worse. Would you be angry and wanted to fight back for your rights? And the next day, that person come and say sorry like nothing happened. Would you still like to give the person opinion when he comes again and complain to you? Sometimes, out of genuine heart we want to help people yet get bad for return. Once after received something we do not want or expected, we will never doing it anymore. However, who say after lend a hand or give we need to have good in return?

Do good not for a good return.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=459346394195872&set=vb.329201683877011&type=2&theater

A bend in the road

This place remind me of a novel, a bend in the road by Nicholas Spark, given by a good friend of mine as birthday gift.

In life, not all the roads are smooth and straight. Obstructions will be there waiting for us. Without these i guess our life would be so plain and robotic. A turn would makes great difference thus, don't make a wrong turn. However, we're all human, sure will make mistakes. No worries, there's always a u-turn before it's too late. Someone taught me that 'mistakes can be make but not the same one'.

In the past, mine was zigzag. I was so sad for it and wanted so much to make it straight. Foolish right? How can i go against the fate. Idealistic thoughts contributed more suffering, which not necessary. Self-abuse! Have a look back, they are all color pencils of my life. It is the specialty and uniquesness of my road. God wouldn't put someone in the situation where he or she can't afford to face. Learn from every steps la.

Not more than four months many happenings. MH370, plane lost (41st days). Korea, ship sink. Kapal Singh, a great lawyer of Malaysia had past away this morning in a road accident. Air, sea and land.

Don’t let go once you have hold it.

There’s a man who lives a simple life at a village in his middle age. Every day, he will ride his motorcycle everywhere he wishes. A slightly grey curly hair, specs, an old-pattern t-shirt, four-quarter pants and slippers are his outward appearance, which is typically an Asian ‘uncle’. However, he carries an interesting story behind him.

During his youth time, he ran away with his girlfriend to other country. I had forgotten which, but is one of the Western Countries. Should say he eloped with his girlfriend (sorry if I use wrong word). At there, he continued his studies and become a professor. I believe it must be a hard life for him. Nobody knows what had happened there but he and his girlfriend came back after many years. Both of them are considering ‘old’ for marriage in this society but what’s next is more touching. Romantically, this professor conducts a big marriage ceremony to marry his girlfriend. This is to let his girlfriend to have a status as his wife. A man who never neglect his girl. The wife is such a blissful woman. She did have her own sacrifices especially at the strong collectivism era but it is a great worth.

At least this professor finally can settle down at his own village and live a happy and ever life. Later on, I heard this professor was encounter with depression. He isolated himself with everyone and locked himself in the house. Maybe because he has a high status at overseas but once he came back he had lost everything. It’s a two different life. At a foreign land, you are a good professor, yet you did not feel being at home. On the other hand, at your own homeland you are just a man who ran away with your love. Now he is fine 

Anyhow, I just want to emphasize on his love story because I found that mostly people change their spouse like changing clothes. He and his wife had decided to hold each other hands and they never let go. No matter how hard, suffer, tough, sad and bitter they go through together. That’s sow in tears and reap in joy! Spouse who had gone through anything together will have stronger bond and more mature relationship.

This not only can apply to boy-girl relationship but also anything that you wish to hold. For instants your HOPE, DREAMS, FAMILIES and FAITH. There are no wrong or right as long as it wouldn't bring bad consequence. Do something that you like, don't trying to please anyone because no matter how good or best you're, people will still have negative feedbacks.

‘To love someone doesn’t mean you need to get married but as long as the one that you love are having a good life even without you’ is what I believe.

Are you not satisfy?

Last month, I was reading some reader digest during my practice, which is not the latest. There's a few pages showing different kinds of bedroom for different children all over the world. Some are luxuries, some are even without a roof.

Of course not to say some children are spoilt but they're born to be in a rich family. What to do? don't be jealous when someone is better than you! you have your own good and they have theirs. And also not to look down on the poor, they might poor in wealth but rich in the heart ((:

Well, I don't even have a room. My room had become store room..

Little fear

7/4
It's the second day in Singapore. That feeling of fear is back. Mom did say it is because my heart is weak. I don't know whether is true or not but it's uncomfortable. I need something or someone to hug but I found none.

Here, most of your time would spend on public transports. It's efficient for sure. However, they are all looking down. Sometimes I wonder how come their phone's battery can last that long because mine is like water flowing. Maybe mine is too old and not that advance.

I didn't manage to take nice pictures that I wish to.. mine is just a phone camera.

Anyway, it's a great chance that I am able to join the church counseling class. I did learn at least something new (: and met with many believers who we only manage to meet at Facebook throughout the years.

8/4
Early morning came back to Malaysia. This time I followed my cousin back by bus. Can't believe that brother will be coming back tonight (:

Live without an exam is so good!

85th Day

I started the conversation again! I always ask why always me? Fannen, don't you feel shameful?!? Anyway, I don't know how and what to say but at least we're friends at this moment.

Out of sudden, I feel like I don't want to continue my degree since I had done my diploma. Not to say I don't like my course but i don't think there's such need. The society had indirectly forced us to study as high as possible just to gain more acceptance and higher status. Like i care. It has defeat the purpose of study lo. Study is just for the certificate and no longer for learning. To be honest, you have higher education doesn't mean you are smart. Many things has to learn from outside of education. Back to the topic, I want to earn money just enough for my living and travel XD yea, I am selfish all the time. I never think of others.

I am more and more random nowadays. I just do and go anywhere and thanks for the unlimited freedom my parent had for me. Yea, I can do anything I want. Like a boss! Haha, :D Isn't it good?
* I will not be at M'sia tonight! (:

You're right! Last time I think too much. Some problems are not meant to solve but to accept it! 

Meet up

Having late dinner tonight. So guilty because it's later than 8pm. Fattening lo!

Every morning I see the parents with luxuries cars sending their children to school. They will stop in front of the school, get down from the car, and help the children to carry down the bag from the car. This will make one little road to jam yet no one will horn. Patients level reached the max. Everyone doesn't the same. So blissful! Some even having breakfasts with their children. It's 6 in the morning! Yea, this scene will never happen in my school life.

Night, four young peoples at a table having dinner yet everyone looking at their own electronic gadgets. No conversation at all. Then why meet up? Better stays at home and meet online. Sorry being sarcastic! Even though I sometimes will also look at my phone when I am not into the conversation.. but still need to change when knowing it's not a good culture.

Another table has four elderly. They talk and laugh! That's a rare scene yet it's the normal one.

F.I.R.S.T.

The year 2014 is a happy and good year for me, so I decided to have a brand new blog for myself.

Yea first is always about the introduction. *boring*
First of all, I am not good in English so do forgive my broken English and my sentence structure would be weird that might due to my active right-brain ;)
Next, I would just write anything I feel and think it might be very random at times Xb
Do comment and let me know what's in your mind (: encouragement, rebuke, feedback are all needed.

This year is indeed a very special year for me because I have decided not to shed tears for past sad events. A quarter of the year had passed, so far I just cried once. I went back to the place and those good old memories started flashed back. Oh, and because I am living in the present (: To be honest, for the past 20 years, I lived mostly in the past for the reality is too cruel. I am not sure whether I had overcome or I just choose to skip it all. It doesn't matter anymore XD
“Life is short, if there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now!”

I am excited about many things. Many journeys waiting for me to travel. Many places to go yet I have limited money. However, that is my passion, travel everywhere!