Someone you LOVE | Someone you want to LIVE with

I always say that the perfect timing and the right person doesn't synchronize, at least in my case.

Well, letting go someone whom you love and to pursue after someone who has the same concept, dreams and lifestyle would it be a foolish decision? I do not know.

Some people say, married the one you love. If you love someone, then you can compromised everything and there's no issue, but what if only you are the one who love? And how many great love that you still can find in this world? Aren't love have to develop and grow day-by-day? Even the people you love would have different opinion and dreams.

While others, married someone that you can live with even without love. You both can be super BBF but there's no love, or only from one side. So it is really hard to find balance between both. If both have the happiness and I believe it is greater gifts than anything else. Common, how many genuine happy people that you still can find? At this moment, I couldn't think of any friend who is happy from the bottom of their hearts.

These two seem to contradicts and they go on and on.
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Mom and I had a disagreement recently and we just stop talking/texting when the topic pops out.

I did not know when, my mom and I had started to get close with each other and really talks a lot when we both meet. Sometimes, I am busy with my works in the city and she would text me and ask how am I. She is the best, and I hope she would stays with me in the future. It's been a long time we did not argue with one another but this time we just can't come to agreement. I know she is right but, I hide something from here and she has no idea about my situations.
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How's your daay?

I love 2016, but I hope it ends fast before I ruined it.

Cheers,
fannen

I changed

Everything had happened so fast and I realized that I am no longer who I am. I do what I want without thinking of the consequences and I am sure I lost two important people in my life. I miss the former self. Now, I am a total stranger to myself. I changed, to the extend that I cannot accept it. All I can do is to wish them all the best.

Work, Graduation, etc it's all about transition.

Yesterday I almost cried during work, but now all is over.

Anyway, hope everyone has a blessed day.

Though I make mistakes and in life there's no eraser, just gotta learn from it and go through it.

Thank God in all circumstances.

Love you? Or not?

Just back from neighbor country. And feel so tired but I need to be stronger. Work work work!
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Yes, just like my parents gives me 200% of freedom in my life as I grow and I thought they don't care and bother about me. Sometimes, we are born with different thoughts and we assume and want everyone to be the same (just like robot). I seems to be good but sometimes I'm the most stubborn one. I'll off all those believes and thoughts, which I think is incorrect. Always assume I'm right all the time but actually I make the most mistakes. People forgive and give me love that I'm not worthy of receiving. Even though I'm not the most blissful person in the world, but God gives me 'angels' 👼🏼 from time to time. Yes, that's why I need to be thankful always.

Sorry that I have no time to write.

God bless and have a nice day/night!

fannen

Dreams

DREAMS |
#💭

Re-pondering on my dreams. Growing up is not an easy thing for me especially in education, but thank God I had completed my degree. Went through all the struggles and tears 😭 especially when I choose my diploma course. No supports but all criticisms that make me questioned myself "am I wrong?" But who knows I learned the most in my college life about life (seriously not much on those inapplicable theories), which make me keep going. Is not about what am I going to do in the future but the discovery of self. Up to the age of 20's only I know how come I'm not good at language, I'm slow learner, I copy things from the white board slower than others, messed up with alphabet (L or R). Mostly all been revealed throughout this journey. No one would believes because they are not in the same situation.

Let them judge, let them speak.

As long as you are enjoying your journey of life.

I ate too much

I just can't control myself for eating unceasingly. Gosh, and I had stopped exercise since I back from hometown. All the plans gone.
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Being an unproductive person today and I feel I'm going to be crazy very soon. Boss gonna kill me soon as well.
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Consumed a big amount of Korean food and went for a movie 🎥 (it was just okay only, disappointed 😔)

There was a guy in the cinema looks so ignorance and funny 😂 (I'm sorry). He went in the cinema and walked a few rounds over the two rows of seats 💺 but couldn't find his. I wanted to help but I didn't. Thank goodness he finally found his seat, the hidden one as it was too dark. After the movie ended, he was like cutting through here and there and banging people (I'm one of it, but just hand). Haha. And he was like so cool 😎 wearing earphones and looking down at the phone and walked the wrong way. It's rare to find people who being so true (by his expression and the way he behaves).
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It's gonna be 1st of Nov soon. You know what's it if u had read since last year around this time. I'm not sure what to write or what to buy yet. Maybe I'll just do nothing and forget about everything.

fannen is lonely.

Maybe I'm exaggerating..?

After so long finally met with one of my friend whom I think is a gentleman so far. He was having relationship issues with his current girlfriend. He asked me for help but I'm not expert on this. All the ups and downs, how dramatic it was and out of sudden, I feel that it was a reflection of my case. I'm like so crazy and will be fine afterwards. Maybe I'm too emotional and cannot control it most of the time. Perhaps, what I need is attention. That simple only. Finger crossed that they will have a good and peace ending. At certain stage for sure will have arguments after all the sweet times. It's whether you go through it together or to let go.

That's part of the process in life. Take it or leave it!

All the best to you, Mr. J.
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Back to hometown. Every time is the same old folks story.
I don't know how come every time when I'm back I feel weird. Super strange feeling.
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How come you didn't tell me directly that I'm being too dramatic?
I better stop it 🖐🏼

Do you have arguments with your love ones? 😅

fannen.

A new friend

Recently I had been quite boring so I decided to reinstalled one of the social app where people can tell type out anything they want and people can reply or to like what they posted in anonymous status. Then, I posted my current situations and I got a few reply and in coming messages, which I feel great. Then there's this guy who came and understand my situation and we are kind of exchanging our life stories. Mon, passed. Tues, passed and right until Fri that is today, he left the city and we might not able to chat anymore. Well, he needs a friend but not me. I am sorry!

Sometimes, you feel strange where you can just talk about everything with a stranger instead of a good friend. Well, because you are not afraid of them judging you and the stranger feel free to give any comment or opinion. Do you had or have a stranger friend?

We did not manage to meet each other, maybe in the future or let it remain beautiful in the memories of 2016.

p/s: I will remember what you had taught and told me. Thanks!
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Going to neighbor country soon. Hopefully can meet my bro there.
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Not doing well in my work.. I feel super unmotivated and unproductive 😞
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I was shocked when I realized yesterday there was more than 100 views. That's incredible  ⁠⁠⁠🙀 It motivates me to write more 🖖🏽
Thanks everyone!

Enjoy your day (:

Arguments

Back to reality life. Today nothing much accomplished, tomorrow need to work really hard. Boss must be disappointing right now. Sorry!
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I should have wrong at the same time but I couldn't see where is it. Please help me realize what is my mistake as I always feel is other party. Gosh! I already give way so much and I explained it endless times but still can't understand. Be it what you say, I'm ugly, someone who doesn't put in any effort, talk too much and closed minded. Then what else can I say? You can't even give me a min of your precious life. Sometimes I regret the thing that I gave but people don't appreciate. But, that's their matter. Argh! Feeling so hurt but someone word just keep cutting my heart again and again that's because I'm stupid enough to let other hurts me. Fool. I don't know what to do now.

No talk then no argument at all, but no connection at all.
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Though life!

Almost used up all my money 😭😭
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Would you give way even when you know is not your fault? Maybe?

Just to save the relationship (be it kindship or friendship).


fannen

Mooncake Festival

It's the 15th day of the eighth month is lunar calendar. I miss playing with lanterns when I was a kid. I not fancy about my adulthood. Ah, time flies. I wish I could manage to own a space and I can do anything I like, but not that soon. Well, I just had a few bites of jelly mooncake by my hometown's neighbor. She is really such a kind lady. Doesn't has the atmosphere of mooncake festival.
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I make the wrong decision today. Ah, I should have follow my parents back to hometown since tomorrow is a holiday, a another long weekend. Gosh! I just managed to spent a little time with time. Feeling thankful that they came all the way from hometown and bought durian! My favorite fruits. Mom is so caring and loving. I wish I could have enjoy holidays with family.
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I had completed my very first puzzle that own by me 🖖🏽 one thousand pieces but boss said it right, I should have buy a larger one. Budget wise, maybe next month I'll go get another bigger one since the discount will last until next month.

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When someone take you for granted, what would you do? Forgive them? What if it's not about one or two times but always?

I feel like I'm an idiot. The cycle keeps going and I still believe in that person. Sometimes I feel like I'm mistreated but I still... sigh! Biggest mistake in life is to know you. Not saying that I'm good but I think I should stop thinking and doing so much until people can't see my existence. I can't just sitting there and wait and wait but nothing really works out. Doing so much things that doesn't give any better consequences.

fannen is useless.

Me? no title yet.

Today out of sudden I think of there's no title to address my current age. I am no longer a girl (too young to call me that). As for 'lady', I'm not at the class yet and for 'woman' it would be in later life or to say it's too generous.

Then, I feel like I should enjoy my current state because everything is so fresh and energize. How to address a female at her early 20's? I should have google on it. Hmm, no answer. I feel happy for a moment. It makes me feel like I am a real free-man. I can do anything I want and bear the consequence by myself. I am responsible for my very own act. Even thou financially is still not stable but God's grace is sufficient. "Let's celebrate!!"
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I started to miss my best friend. So long time we didn't chat. I think this is the longest time in my memory that we didn't even text. It is weird that I want him to text but I did not want as well. Well, 'commitment' is a big word. Maybe guy have their own way of committing in certain matters that they really want. I don't know, because I am not a male. I am trying but it is hard.

Perhaps, I am overly attached and it makes it getting more and more worse. It is hard not to think of someone whom you are obsessed with. Real HARD! It is like trying to forget who you are. I also start missing my family. Really hard for us to meet. No way to express...

miss you always.
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Okay, sorry for being emo (down). that's me!

Just a little will do...

At times, you need a little confidence to try out something new. Little bit of help in what you are doing. Simple greets. A small action like a pat on the shoulder. Rest in midday. Received random gift.

For me, all we need is to be a little more considerate. I feel like we are lacking of getting to notice others and more selfish, is not all the people but some that I saw throughout my life. Well, I'm not saying I'm a good person who have a good observation skill but it's a life long learning process. Each time you saw, you learned. People might say love is more important but not for all. Being considerate might not involve love, agree? Sometimes you do something extra just because you don't want to get yourself into trouble (that's self-protection). You buy your friend a gift for certain occasion just because he or she do so previously (that's in terms of manner) but does love comes in? I don't think so 😁 Being more considerate comes from many aspects.

Love is another whole new level. It is not as easy as being just considerate. It involves sacrifices, hearts, feelings and so forth.

It's been a cloudy day. Raining started in the evening and it's time to snuggle in the mattress and sleep.


Have a nice there people out there!
Peace 🖖🏽

Forgetful

It's been a raining morning and it washed the haze away. Haze is back to the city yesterday.
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I am always that forgetful, playful and careless.

sigh!!

Not a good day when boss a bit stern to me. That's because I am wrong, I am too slow in helping him. I feel so down and useless. We are running out of time and I still need him to help me. I feel so bad especially he is not feeling well.

Tomorrow is our Independence Day but I think I should continue to work. I wanted to work now but when it is at night the internet is super slow.

Maybe I should really put in effort and make something works and happens.

I also forget to rely on God.

I am so sorry to everyone. I can't forgive myself.
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When someone asking me about S, I really have no idea what to reply because I really don't know how is he and what's he planning and going to do. All I can is to remain silent.
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I feel so lonely in the city alone. I wish to go back home any time soon but it seems to be impossible :| Missing my family and my hometown.

I need a shoulder to cry.. but I couldn't found any.
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How are you feeling today?


fannen is down.

Contradict

I can't remember when is my favorite weekend. I mean Sunday only because Saturday will be whole day at church. My life is so boring now. Currently feel lonely, because I don't know what can I do.. I just hiding in my own small space, looking at YouTube and scrolling Facebook. I used to go for a walk and meet friends few years back, just hanging around and explore here and there. But, for now, no more..

Wanted to do something but I don't feel like going out.

This whole morning at church and we learned to cook healthy meal with simple and easy steps that makes me happy for a while but I am just too tired. Lol. I got to eat and eat. Help out here and there to makes myself feel busy.

What's your best kind of weekend? Mine is just boring for typical people.

I really admire those that had siblings and friends with them. At least weekend they are able to spend some bonding time. Me? Forget about it. Can't even think of anyone to chat as I know people do have their own families and friends as well.

Maybe it's time to live alone and not to rely on anyone. I am just not good at going out.

Boring blog.

Special day

Someone mentioned to me about special day. I was wondering what's a special day? Anniversary, birthday, festivals, wedding? Which one? Tell me. I think so far I do have special moments but not those that I... Wait, I remember one special occasion where I lay down on a rooftop and many meteors on that night. Hmm.. ya, a special night.

Not much special day for me. Mostly is just ordinary.. maybe because I'm alone? Perhaps.

Okay, I'm trying not to be emo. SMILE!

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Today I saw something but I don't know who to tell or should I tell. I don't like it. But, I don't judge you because I'm more worse. Let's try to be better okay? I know how you feel and I shouldn't let you know my existence. It makes you feel bad. I'm sorry!

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MWW is always that good. I'm so blessed. I couldn't find people who is so hardworking and kind anymore. For real, he is really that good.


I feel so useless today and I'm so careless. Sigh.

I started to miss my family again. I won't be meeting them anytime soon. I can't believe I had stepped into working life for one month. I'm still not productive.

Goodnight.
fannen.

Sense of belonging

Yea, at this hour. Can't fall asleep and I am gonna wake up in few hours.

Did I envy or what? I should say I admire at people who can get back to their home everyday or at least they can get to see their family members everyday. That's makes life easier especially when you get back after whole long day and you can still see people that you love and loves you. You can just share everything that happened on that day, good and bad ones, and get their supports and cares. Rather than coming back and face the four walls. When you sigh, you could hear your echoes of sighing. That's not a good situation, what's more after a tired working day.

I'm trying to be positive in everything but sometimes I just can't. Outwardly I still need to be happy so that people won't ask so much, yea, so fake,

I know that technology makes everything easier where you can say I can use it to connect with my family. However, nothing can be compare with a person physically present. You can get a hug and a pat on shoulder to makes you fell better rather than a single text saying "all the best!".

I don't like this kind of feelings. There's no one to turn to or physically presence so that I could tell him or her something and share everything with. Not to say no one, is yet to found a suitable one. And not everyone is interested in my lame stories. Haha.

Goodnight.

fannen.

Losing End

Would you be at the losing end for someone you love? When I say someone you love doesn't only apply to couples. It might be friends and families.

Doesn't it worth by letting someone you care to win and all you want is to let them be happy? At times, I find it so hard to be at losing end. It might die to I don't want to lose my face or I don't want to get hurt. It's not easy when you know you are right but you don't want to make the situation worse or harm the relationship. Need to measure which is more important, to win an argument or to win a relationship.

How about you? Would you still stand for your rights?

I always tell myself that one day that person would know. You just have to make sure you don't harm the relationship and try to be a peacemaker no matter what situations. God knows.

I'm still learning to be better because I'm always the troublemaker. Every time I make the situation worse because I don't want to be at losing end. Hard right? Life lesson. Personally I don't like to see people get into argument but actually I keep doing it again and again. It's not worth. Silent is gold. You listen more than you speak as speech might be as sharp as knife that hurt others innerly.

Okay.

Thanks for reading.

fannen.

Do you care?

I remember when I was very young, I lack of care and somehow God send people whom I met to give me extra care to fill in the empty gap for 'care'. Looking at the positive side, I am really grateful because those that care really care from their bottom hearts. I remember when I am about secondary school I told my mom that she does not care for me and she asked me how she can show her cares and I was silent. Then her tears drop, I regretted it because I never care for her feelings at that time. I urge for others care but I myself did not care. Later on, my relationship with my mom got better and better. I know how come people do not show concern to me because I did not need people to worry and I play safe. People think I am a good girl and neglected me.

I never knew that at the age of 22 (days before I turn 23), someone told me that he sees the need to take care of me. It really brings comfort to me. Yea, another best friend of mine. Is like no matter how, at least there is one who cares. I know I don't deserve, but I can't help. Sometimes I wanted some care but I am too shy to show it out and I really don't want to bother anyone. Not my parents don't take care of me, is I make them feel I am good and safe. I don't want to make them worry.
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Gosh, I dreamed of another guy again. What happened to me?
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Today at least I accomplished something. Thank God! But, I still stuck somewhere ha-ha. Tomorrow only continue.
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One more things, durian seasons seems like going to end very soon but I haven't got to taste any yet. Craving for it. Yea, once a year most of the Malaysian will crazy for durian.
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Advice for fannen;
Rich or poor, be humble and remember always those who helped you before. Be thankful in all circumstances. Help as many people as you can.

fannen.

Night Dream

I remember it's been a month where I do not have a proper sleep. I could hardly fall asleep. Every night is a real struggle for me. When I cannot fall asleep then my mind would be wondering on negative matters, is like inevitable. Then I tears will fall agaain. Gah!

But, what I want to share today is yesterday night was different. Thank God that I managed to fall asleep easily and did not wake up until the alarm rang. So happy even still not that enough but I couldn't ask for more. Be contented.

I woke up only I realized that I had a sweet dream. I meet with my old close friend that we did not talk for few years already due to some misunderstanding. I sitting inside the car backseat and that close friend was sitting outside somewhere. So, when the car make a turn our eyes met and we smile at each other. That was really making me feel better. Thanks. All these while even when we met somewhere, I dare not look at him. Yea, is a guy. I just don't want him to feel bad so I always avoid him but still wish that we can be close friend again one day. Sometimes, it is really hard to resolve those misunderstandings. That is why I did not want to do anything anymore. I make a big mistake a lose very close friend of mine.
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How come to be sincere and truthful is so hard?
At times, it is hard to be your true self, even just to have a sad face. At certain time when you really don't feel like smiling but you still need to so that people won't ask so many irrelevant questions or over worry about you. Did you face the same situation? Trying to be more sincere and that I can have a more lively life.

fannen.

Be thankful!

I am really thankful to God for giving me such a good life! I hope that I would not blame God if there's anything bad or unsmooth things happened.

So far so good for my job (currently in 3rd week). Everyday watch YouTube (it is watching the tutorial actually) haha. Even though I am progressing slowly but my boss still gives me lots of encouragements which I am grateful for. Thanks! My colleagues also the same good. There are good bros, fun and willing to teach. And I think I cannot be that lazy and happy-go-lucky anymore. I should put extra efforts. So that I would not let them down.

At this moment, I started to miss my family 😭 For a long time we never really had a good meal together. There's always someone missed the gathering. It's gonna be hard now. And I really sorry to my parents especially they came all the way to meet me and I only manage to eat one meal with them. They are like so good!

--
2 days without a single text. It's okay.
--
Slowly I started to love my simple and easy life. Don't like complicated and I love this slow pace in life. Although the sometimes church does has continuous activities but so far I still can cope with it. It's like just nice. If you ever have a speed up life, why not try to slow it down and have a look at the surroundings. Tomorrow would be a brand new day for me as I enter 23. I really want a simple life and I hope I would not get complicated just as the past. I want to be genuine to everyone I meet and laugh out loud. Seeing myself slightly open to people more, I really feel great because that's a breakthrough for me. Yes I am afraid of new circumstance, but I'm kinda excited for it because I know I have to try and be adventurous.


Without God. I'm nothing.

Relief

This morning the same feeling stuck me again and I can't even have my breakfast well. But once the training starts I just feel so good because there's only a few people attending and my boss is the one who give training. Funny. So now I feel better but I need to put in extra effort to catch up everything.
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The man of dream appeared again. What I mean is the imagery perfect gentlemen that sometimes I might met in different occasion and they are all not meant for me. Well, this time is slightly different but he really is a good guy that concerns and cares, while less care about own self. Anyway, not mine. LOL!
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Just enjoy this few days of my life. Couldn't be any happier and thankful for this.

Fly Off~

I am just like a little girl with little common sense and no knowledge at all. LOL.

I have been in super stress and nervous state for one whole day until I came back to the sleeping place and had a super nice shower. I can't believe I love here so much and how blissful I am. What is lacking is someone to be side by side always.

Tomorrow I will be attending the training. I pray that I could be able to understand at least a little.

It is good that someone can see through you even though you did not utter a word. I think is better than any psychologist who so called "can read mind" but actually they can't. How blessed is JP. God bless!
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Texted Hopefully tonight can have a good conversation.
--
I always point my finger at others while neglected that the other four fingers are pointing at me. Now I realized how God really shows mercy to me and always give me chance to be better. Many things had happened and it takes time for me to digest. Death, sicknesses, interaction issues etc.

How about you? Life is good?

Remain as friend

I know it is easy to make friends but it is rather hard to get a best friend or close friend.

Previously, I used to have few friends and that is why it was harder to get a bestie. As I grow, I found a few friends that I can really be my true self. Sometimes, you would risk this kind of relationship. When you want to go further but maybe the other does not feel that way. Thus, close friend would slowly become friend and later, stranger. I know I have an issue with 'friendship' or any 'relationship'. Once I get close with them I would ended up being total stranger. Maybe is my fate or I just do not know how to handle and the limit. I lose a few closed friends that I really appreciate and longing for because I make mistakes in handling my relationship with them. Misunderstanding and miscommunication are all the factors.

I would just let it be but when I found someone that can really talk with I am really happy. It is like you can really express out your thoughts to someone you trust verbally. Communication is the key but it is a long learning process. Many things still have to learn in life. Just hope that I don't make more mistakes that cause bigger harm.

I am really sorry to you, my close friend.
--
Next week;
I am gonna fly to somewhere again. However, I am really nervous and a bit scared.
--
How about you?

Waste of time?

I feel like when you really care about a person, you would probably keep mentioning that person and that particular person would not get out of your mind. It is good if that person feel and did it the same way in return. If not, you will probably get hurt easily and feel frustrated when you cannot get what you want (I know that is my emotional management issue). In the end, you will feel that what you did was all a waste and that person would not care but to live a happy life.

Do not waste time on people that does not appreciate you. One day, he or she would understand. Even if nobody knows, God knows. I am not saying to be selfish but once a while, do love and care yourself more.

What I always do is to hide myself in the closed space and keep thinking about negative matters. It will hurts me more and more. Get out of the door, take a walk to get some fresh air or just hang out with friends though you mind is wondering far away. Lol!

Sole

Yea, I still feel here is better.

After-all, I am still alone in this place of living. I urge for a companion but I know I won't get it.

New chapter of life is coming soon.
Found a job but not sure if I am able to make it. Will start to enter into working life next month. A job that I have never learn before in my 4 years of college. Now, everything seems to be so smooth up to the extend that I do not believe in it.

Many people might questioned me of why I did not find a job that is related to my study? Until the extend I also do not know. In the past, I told myself that I would be working in relation to my study but now, everything is so different. Nevermind, I just need to focus on what I am supposed to do and do it the best.

Now spending the very last few weeks with the family. Once I start working, it is gonna be hard to have time with them.

fannen

I'm back

Out of sudden, I have the intention to look back to what I had wrote last time. It was full of memories. Everything had changed so much and now I am having my second internship, which working with special needs children. It is gonna end soon and I bet I would cry, yea, you know I dont like separation. My future work is still in blurry state. I try not to think about it.

D promised to come this month but I think he could not make it anymore and I am leaving next month that is why we might not be able to meet. Well, perhaps, we already used to it. Actually not really, I still in adjusting state (yup, I am slow).

The haze is coming again this few weeks.

So far, even life is not satisfying but I would like to thank God for everything.

I will post a simple picture below (:

fannen